Invincible Summer
by misslucy21
Summary: In the midst of winter, I found there was in me an invincible summer: Albert Camus
1. Default Chapter

Insert Disclaimer Here

This is the third story in the string. In order: "Beyond Misconceptions", "Nervous", and "Invincible Summer"

Pre White House, Campaign Trail

Enjoy :o)

* * *

Invincible Summer  
  
"In the midst of winter, I found there was in me an invincible summer"- Albert Camus

* * *

From the outside  
  
to the inside I couldn't tell you how it really was  
  
There has to be more on one hand,  
  
keep your head above water on the other, the other.

The drone in your voice, and the fly on the wall said,  
  
"It's over, it's over, it's over, it is "  
  
What do I wish for you, what do I wish?  
  
It's over, it's over, it is.

"It's Over", Lisa Loeb

* * *

_Arizona, July 9th 1998_

"Damnit, Sam, Wake up!" Josh banged on Sam and Toby's door again, then kicked it when there was still no answer. "Come on," he sighed.  
  
"Josh?" He spun around at the unexpected quiet voice from behind. CJ was standing in the doorway of her adjoining room. He stared at her a moment, startled. She brushed her curly hair away from her pinched face. Her other hand rested on the doorframe. She looked incredibly young and sleepy in too large pajama pants and a t-shirt.  
  
"Hey," he said finally. "I didn't think I was being all that loud. Sorry to wake you," he explained lamely. She kept squinting at him until he realized that she wasn't blinded by the hallway light, but rather couldn't see him. He walked towards her and watched as her face started to relax until he was about an arms length away and her eyes sort of focused on him. "Sorry," he apologized again.  
  
"You didn't wake me. What's up?" She asked.  
  
Josh sighed. He really didn't want to explain his predicament, since he knew that CJ had somehow assumed the role of the shoulder to cry on. She'd stayed up the whole night with Sam when Lisa had dumped him over the phone because Josh had been elsewhere with Mandy, setting things up for a later campaign stop. He also knew that she was somehow in the middle of Toby's dissolving marriage, and he knew that for some odd reason Toby and Andrea Wyatt's marital problems bothered her greatly.  
  
"Josh, what's gone wrong?" she asked again.  
  
"Mandy's leaving the campaign," he said, finally. CJ's eyes went wide as she stared at him. "She kicked me out, so I thought I'd crash in Sam's room, but I can't get them to answer."  
  
"That's because Toby's passed out again, and Sam's taken to wearing earplugs because Toby's an annoying drunk. He tends to ramble on, even if no one's listening." She informed him.  
  
"Great. Guess I'll just go sleep on the floor of the war room." He sighed, since he didn't relish the thought of how he'd feel in the morning.  
  
"Or you could crash in here, go out through the connecting door in the morning. I've got an extra bed." He stared at her as she turned around as though his following wasn't a question.  
  
"How'd you get a room to yourself?" he asked, following her into the room. He knew that CJ and Donna had become roommates, and that oftentimes Margaret shared with them as well.  
  
"Elizabeth and her family were supposed to meet us, but Steve had to handle something at work, so they'll catch up with us in Denver. Mrs. Landingham thought I could use a bit of alone time after the last stop, where all us women were crammed into one room." She put her glasses on and finally focused on him. "Hi."  
  
"Hi," he replied, amused. "Didn't know you wore contacts."  
  
"Oh, yes." she said, sitting cross-legged on her bed.  
  
"And reading glasses?" he asked. He and Toby were practically the only people on the whole campaign without them.  
  
"Yup." She nodded and shrugged. "Grad school."  
  
"I'd believe it. So, you're pretty blind, then." he stated.  
  
She grinned. "I can see about as far as an arm's length away before everything dissolves into a multicolored haze. And what I do see is pretty blurry after a certain point. So, I can manage to walk across a room, or hold a conversation, but if I have to read anything on a wall, or on a page in front of me, for that matter, I'm in trouble."  
  
"I noticed," he replied.  
  
"So, Mandy," She said, pulling her legs up under her chin and motioning him towards the empty bed.  
  
He said down as he started to explain. "We're just not used to this much time together. Usually, we see each other once, maybe twice a week. We don't live together, because we're both too busy to look for a place and neither of our apartments are big enough for the both of us. But now..." he trailed off, not really wanting to discuss it.  
  
"Now you're in each other's back pockets," she finished.  
  
"Yeah," Josh sighed. "This campaign is truly hell on relationships, did you notice?" He was startled when she dropped her head onto her knees, hiding her face. "Hey, I'm sorry," he said tentatively.  
  
"It's ok," she said, looking back up.  
  
She didn't say anything else and he yawned, tired. "Why were you up?" he asked.  
  
"The A/C turned on. It's loud." He looked skeptical, but didn't comment. "I'm not much of a sleeper. I wake up easily, especially when I'm not in my own bed," she admitted.  
  
"Oh," he said. "Well, I have an idea. Why don't you lay back down, take off your glasses and turn out the lights while I get comfortable over here, and you can tell me all about the relationship that _you_ sacrificed on this altar of democracy." He smiled lopsidedly at her.  
  
She sighed, but reached for her covers. As she turned out the lights, she said, "I didn't."  
  
"You didn't give anyone up," he asked surprised.  
  
"Nope." Her voice was quiet, but light enough.  
  
"Hmm," he said.  
  
"It's been almost a year," she said softly.  
  
"What happened?" He propped himself up on one elbow and looked over at her bed. He could just barely make her out in the faint light from the bathroom.  
  
"We were living together, I was completely broke and he just couldn't keep carrying me, so I left," she said simply.  
  
"How long had you been together?" he asked after a moment.  
  
"Jeez. Let me think. There was Tad, and then I went to Sacramento, met Jeff two months later, started dating him about three weeks later, so we were together about 18 months," she finished decisively.  
  
"Tad?" he asked.  
  
"Tad Whitney. He works..."  
  
"For State," he interrupted. "You went out with that guy!?" he asked incredulously.  
  
"For about six weeks, yeah. It was a mistake," she said flatly.  
  
"I should hope." She didn't respond. "No, no, I'm sorry," he continued. "Everyone winds up in a relationship they should have avoided at some point in their life. It happens."  
  
"Yeah." she said softly. He got the impression that Tad Whitney wasn't the only jerk CJ had dated in her life.  
  
"So, Sacramento?" he asked, hoping to change the subject.  
  
"EMILY'S List sent me up there. I'd been in LA, but looking to leave because I hated it. They brought me up, even though the office was way overcrowded. I mean, I was sharing a cubicle. Not an office, a cubicle. There was one phone and one phone line in the cube, and the woman I shared with actually had to take meetings with donors and candidates, so I would take my laptop and move down to this cyber coffee shop down the street. They were really cool about me plugging my laptop in and spending the day there so long as I bought coffee and lunch there. Didn't even charge me for the access. Jeff was a teacher in a school down the street. He'd just broken up with a long-term girlfriend because she'd moved to Seattle and didn't want to do the whole long distance thing. He'd come to the shop after school let out to grade papers because he didn't want to be alone in his house all night. Since we were usually the only customers in the afternoon, we got to talking, since we both got to know the staff of the place really well. One of the guys who worked there told Jeff to ask me out. He did, and that was that," she finished, sadly.  
  
"You really liked him," Josh said after a moment.  
  
"Yeah, I did," she sighed. "We might have made it, if it weren't for the finances of the thing. I moved in with him because I was about to be evicted, because I didn't have the money to pay rent. I had to make my loan payments, which were monumental, because I was in danger of defaulting on my undergrad loans, and once I finished those, I still had all my grad school loans. I'd had an assistantship, but I'd had to take out loans in order to live, because the money only went so far, you know?"  
  
"Yeah," he said, even though he had a feeling that he really didn't know what she meant. He'd been lucky enough to get a substantial scholarship, and his parents had helped a bit with living expenses. CJ sounded as though she'd put herself though school, something he really hadn't done.  
  
"So, I left EMILY'S List, got a job with a PR firm in LA, with a very nice salary, I might add, and moved back to LA. I worked there for 9 months before I got fired. Fortunately, Toby showed up at my house that day, so I wound up here." she explained.  
  
"Did you get the loans taken care of?" he asked. They were only making $600 a week before taxes, and basically living in hotels, which got expensive. All of them had substantial credit card debt at the moment, and they had months to go. He couldn't imagine the financial gymnastics that would have to go into to juggling loan payments on top of everything else.  
  
"Yup. Very first thing I did. We got paid monthly, and my salary the first three months went almost exclusively towards the loans. For the first time in my adult life, I am just about debt free, or I will be as soon as I pay off this next American Express bill." She sounded justifiably proud of herself.  
  
"Wow." he said, not knowing what else to say.  
  
They were quiet for a while, and just as Josh had decided that CJ had fallen asleep again, he heard her say his name. "Yeah?" he asked.  
  
"Are you and Mandy breaking up?" she asked softly.  
  
He sighed. "I don't know, sweet-tart." That had become his nickname for her as they'd become friends, although he rarely used it in public.  
  
"Why do you call me that?" she asked. Even though she'd come to accept it as a term of endearment rather than an insult, she'd never asked why he'd chosen it for her nickname.  
  
"Because you are," he replied simply.  
  
"What do you mean? I could understand if you said sweetheart, but I could never figure out why you say sweet-tart," she said.  
  
"Again, because you are. It just popped into my head when I met you. You seem nice, but you've got a bite to you. It's a good thing, CJ," he explained.  
  
"Oh, okay," she said.  
  
Another long moment passed, and as he found himself drifting away, Josh found himself murmuring, "CJ?"  
  
"Yeah?" came the drowsy reply  
  
"What's CJ stand for?" he asked.  
  
"Claudia Jean." she answered.  
  
"Why don't you just go by Claudia?" he asked.  
  
"Because I don't." she said, sounding slightly more awake. She paused, and then said, "If you like, you can use Claudia Jean occasionally, but please don't call me Claudia."  
  
"Okay, I won't." he assured her.  
  
"Don't abuse the privilege, though. Only special people get to call me Claudia Jean," she told him sleepily.  
  
"So, I'm a special person?" he asked, smiling.  
  
"Yeah", she whispered. "Yeah, you're a special person, Josh."  
  
"You're pretty special yourself, Claudia Jean," he said as his eyes slid shut and he fell asleep.

* * *

Is there a cure among us 

From this processed sanity

I weaken with each voice that sings

In this world of purchase

I'm going to buy back memories

To awaken some old qualities  
  
Have I got a long way to run? Yeah, I run

"Run", Collective Soul

* * *

Josh woke up and sat straight up when he realized he was alone in the bed. Looking around, he felt confused. There were two twin beds instead of the double bed he thought he'd fallen asleep in. He'd gotten out of bed to try and figure out where he was when CJ stepped out of the bathroom. "Ah," he said, feeling a bit less confused as he remembered what had happened at 3 am.  
  
"G'morning," she said, smiling. He stood and looked at her blearily. She was wearing cargo pants and a blue tank top, and her hair was still wet from the shower.  
  
"What time is it?" he asked.  
  
"About 6:45. I thought I'd let you sleep until I woke up the sleepyheads next door," she finished as the phone rang. She grabbed it and listened a moment. "Ok, thanks," she said, hanging up. At his quizzical look, she explained, "Wake-up call."  
  
"But you're up already," he asked, sitting down on the edge of the bed.  
  
"Yeah, I know. It's in case I lose track of time. My call comes five minutes before their call," she told him, waving her hand at the door in the wall.  
  
"Why?" he asked, confused.  
  
"Because it takes more than a phone call to get them up and moving in the morning. We worked out a system that works pretty well. They get the wake- up call at 10 to 7, I wait 5 minutes, then call their room myself, and then they get 5 minutes to either come knock on my door or open the connecting doorway before I go in there and physically shake them both awake," she told him as she towel dried her hair.  
  
He nodded. "When did you get up?"  
  
"About 5:30." He watched her twist her hair back into a clip.  
  
"Um, why?" They weren't actually required to be anywhere until 8.  
  
"Went running. It's beautiful out there this morning," she said.  
  
"You went running at 5:30 this morning?" he asked her incredulously.  
  
"Yeah," she nodded as she slid her arms into a floral print collared shirt.  
  
"Alone?" he asked again. When she nodded again, he asked, "Wasn't it _dark_ ?"  
  
"Not by the time I got back. The sunrises are awesome here." She sounded utterly unconcerned as she finished dressing and reached for her makeup bag.  
  
"Do you do this often?" he asked, getting up to lean against the doorway to the bathroom.  
  
"Do what? Put on makeup?" she asked, looking over at him.  
  
"No, go running at 5:30 am in the dark by yourself." he replied, giving her a sardonic look.  
  
"Oh, that. Yeah, sure." she said as she sucked in her cheeks to apply her blush.  
  
He shook his head. "That's not incredibly...I don't know, prudent."  
  
"Why not?" she asked, pausing in her eye shadow application.  
  
"Well, it's dark, you're alone, and no one knows where you've gone. I mean, what if something happens?" he said, shrugging.  
  
"You guys can always reach me, I take my cell and my beeper with me," she said.  
  
"No, not with us. What if something happens to you?" he clarified.  
  
"Nothing's going to happen to me, Josh. And if it does, I've got my cell, I can call someone." she shrugged.  
  
"CJ, don't get me wrong, I believe you can take care of yourself, I'm just saying, you're in a strange city, you don't know people, something could happen to you out there in the dark, alone. And I don't think anyone wants that to happen." he said gently.  
  
"Josh, look, it's fine. I've been doing this since college." she told him, throwing her makeup back in the bag. "Nothing's ever happened."  
  
"You went running at 5:30 am in LA?" he asked.  
  
"Well, no, it was usually a bit later when I was working at Trinton-Day. I didn't have to be at work until 9, so I usually ran around 7." she brushed past him and grabbed the phone. He shook his head as he watched her call Toby and Sam's room. "Guys, it's me, 5 minutes, all right...no Sam, don't tell me you're up, I know you're not...tell him I want to see his shining face at my door in 5 minutes...ok, bye."  
  
"Do you tell anyone when you go?" he asked, tiredly. He seriously did not like the idea of CJ out and about in the early morning with no one knowing where she went.  
  
"When I share a room with Donna, she knows I'm leaving," she replied, tidying up the room by throwing her clothes in her suitcase.  
  
"Well, that's something at least. What about when you aren't sharing, like today?" he pressed.  
  
She sighed, annoyed. "When I'm not sharing, which doesn't happen often, I stick my head in the strat room, if someone's in there I tell them I'm going running, if no one's up yet, I just go."  
  
Josh was about to say something else, when someone knocked on the connecting door. CJ opened it to reveal a decidedly grumpy Toby. "I'm up, are you happy?" he grumbled.  
  
"Ecstatic. Here, have some water," she handed him a water bottle and a bottle of aspirin.  
  
Toby grunted something that sounded like a thank you and squinted over at Josh. "What're you doing here?"  
  
"Mandy kicked me out, you guys didn't answer the door, and I woke CJ up while I was banging on your door, so she offered me her extra bed," Josh explained.  
  
"Why did Madeline kick you out?" Sam asked, poking his head into the room to catch the last remark.  
  
Josh sighed and glanced at his watch. "At this moment, Madeline Hampton is most likely explaining to Leo that she is leaving the campaign. She kicked me out because she was sick of me trying to talk her out of it, and so she could pack without interference."  
  
Toby nodded. "Okay. I'm going now," he said as he walked back into his room. In the silence that followed, they could hear the shower start running.  
  
"She's leaving?" Sam asked, coming into the room and sitting down on CJ's bed. CJ pushed him over a bit gently before slinging her suitcase up onto the bed and resumed packing.  
  
"Yes, she is." Josh flopped onto his back as there was a knock on CJ's door.  
  
"It's not locked," she called. Josh sighed, while she shot him a dirty look.  
  
Donna opened the door and stuck her head in, saying, "CJ, do you know where Josh...oh," she finished as she saw Josh sprawled on the bed.  
  
"What's up?" he asked wearily.  
  
"Nothing, Mandy wondered where you were and I said I'd check Sam and Toby's room for her, but no one answered," she explained.  
  
"Toby's in the shower," Sam told her. Donna nodded and plopped down on the bed next to Sam.  
  
"Do you know if she talked to Leo yet?" Josh asked after a moment.  
  
"No, it didn't come up," Donna said. "Leo's up, though. He's eating breakfast in the strategy room with Mrs. Bartlet."  
  
"Where'd you see Mandy, then?" Josh asked.  
  
"In the hallway, down near your room. What's everyone hanging out in here for anyway?" Donna asked.  
  
"Well, I just woke up," Sam replied.  
  
"We're leaving tonight, I don't know if I'll have time to pack later, and I had to get them up," CJ explained.  
  
"I'm...hiding from Mandy," Josh said, hesitantly.  
  
"Well, she's looking for you, and she'll figure out where you are sooner or later. Where'd you sleep, anyway?" Donna asked.  
  
"Here." CJ told her. Donna looked quizzical, so CJ explained; "He was banging on Sam and Toby's door at 3 am so I told him to crash in the extra bed." Donna nodded, enlightened.  
  
"I'd better go find out what she wants," Josh sighed. He pushed himself up off the bed and strode into Sam's room.  
  
"Why's she leaving?" Sam asked CJ, who shrugged.  
  
"He didn't say."  
  
"Wait, Mandy's leaving?" Donna asked.  
  
"Apparently. Keep it under your hat until it's official, ok?" CJ told her.  
  
"Yeah, of course," Donna said, wide-eyed. "Did they...you know."  
  
CJ shook her head. "Not yet, anyway. God only knows what's actually going to happen, now."  
  
"Maybe it's for the best," Sam pointed out. "She doesn't exactly bring out the best in him."  
  
"I'd noticed. It's his life, though, and they've been together for some time. It must work for them on some level," CJ said, zipping her suitcase. "I'm gonna go eat, ok?"  
  
"Ok, I'm gonna go flip channels until Toby gets out of the shower. See you in a bit," Sam said, standing and stretching.  
  
"I'm going to go pack up and get Margaret moving. She was still asleep when I went to eat," Donna said following CJ from the room. CJ nodded and headed down the hall to the campaign's common room.

* * *

And what you wished for

Won't come true.

You aren't surprised, love,

Are you?"

"What You Wish For", Guster

* * *

Josh wandered into the common room later that afternoon after a long argument with Mandy and an equally interminable discussion with Leo. Sam and Toby were arguing vociferously about the speech the Governor was delivering tomorrow night in Denver. Donna and Margaret were playing cards in the corner, attempting to avoid the occasional flying object flung by one of the combatants. Mrs. Bartlet was watching from her vantage point by the window, an amused look on her face. Various other campaign staff were moving about the room, oblivious to the screaming as they searched the piles of boxes for campaign flyers and other paraphernalia to distribute around town as well as at the speech later. The objective of Josh's search, however, was not in the room, as he'd assumed. He picked his way across the room to stand by Abbey Bartlet.  
  
"Hello, Josh. How are you doing?" she asked warmly.  
  
"I'm all right, Mrs. Bartlet. How about you?" he asked politely  
  
"Oh, I'm fine, Josh. Quite a show, isn't it?" she said, indicating Toby who was slamming an empty aluminum can down onto the table to make a particularly forceful point.  
  
"Always, ma'am. What's today's issue?" Josh wondered.  
  
"I think it has something to do with timing, at the moment. They appear to have moved beyond content. Are you looking for my husband, or Leo?" she asked, as she ducked the wad of paper Toby tossed over his shoulder.  
  
"Neither, actually. The Governor's on-site with Mandy, and I just finished talking to Leo. I was actually looking for CJ. I need to check the timetable with her and give her a heads up on a few things." he explained.  
  
"Mandy's departure," Abbey surmised.  
  
"Mmm." Josh said noncommittally. Donna looked up, noticing he was in the room and said something to Margaret as she pulled herself up from the floor.  
  
"Josh, you need to..." She began as she neared him and Abbey  
  
"Check times with CJ, I was on my way to do that," he interrupted her.  
  
"I was going to say pack, but yeah, you need to do that too." Donna told him.  
  
"I'll pack after I talk to CJ. I don't know if we need to get out to the site early or what," he said.  
  
"Ok. You'll be here for dinner?" she asked.  
  
"Think so. Depends on CJ's timetables," he said.  
  
Donna nodded and frowned a moment. "Josh," she began, but he interrupted her again.  
  
"Go back to your card game. There's nothing you need to be doing right now, enjoy the downtime. In fact, you and Margaret can move out of here if you want. Leo's headed out to the speech site, he won't need her until he gets back," he informed her.  
  
"Ok. I'll be around," she said.  
  
"I'll find you after I've talked to CJ and we'll figure out the schedule," he said. Donna nodded again, looked at him another minute, and went back to her corner. Josh sighed.  
  
Abbey smiled sympathetically. "You all right?" she asked.  
  
"I'm fine," he said. "Have you seen CJ?" he asked.  
  
"Not since breakfast, I'm afraid." Abbey said. "She's back from the site, I do know that, but I don't know where she disappeared to. She might be with Zoey somewhere."  
  
"No, Zoey's out in the pool. I passed her in the lobby," Josh told her.  
  
"Ah, that's where she's gotten to. I'd wondered. She's pretty bored today." Abbey said.  
  
"Well, there's a bunch of kids out in the pool, so I think she's found something to do, at least," Josh sighed. "Ok, I'd better go track CJ down."  
  
"Did you try her room?" Abbey asked.  
  
"Yeah, no answer. I could just call her cell, but I'm pretty sure she's here somewhere," he said.  
  
"Well, good luck. If you run into my daughter, please remind her to put some sunscreen on, or she's going to be one uncomfortable cookie tonight on the bus," Abbey smiled.  
  
"Will do, ma'am. See you later," Josh said as he made his way back across the room. He walked down the hall towards the lobby. Zoey waved from the pool entrance. "Hey Shorty, thought you'd be in the water already," he said.  
  
"Forgot my sunglasses," she explained.  
  
"Your mom said to remind you to put some sunscreen on or, and I quote, she's going to be one uncomfortable cookie on the bus tonight," he told her.  
  
"Did it," Zoey said, rolling her eyes, but smiling.  
  
"Good deal. You haven't seen CJ by chance, have you?" he asked.  
  
"Not for awhile. She was in the strat room when Sam and Toby started fighting a couple of hours ago, but she left before I did. Maybe she's out on the veranda or something," Zoey said.  
  
"Thanks. Have fun," he told her as she waved and ducked out the door. Looking around the lobby, he didn't recognize anyone else. A random volunteer walked past and he reached out to snag the guy's sleeve. "Hey, have you seen CJ Cregg?"  
  
"Tall woman, right?" he asked.  
  
"Right," he replied.  
  
"She was in the war room earlier, but I've been out," the guy said.  
  
"Ok, thanks." Josh sighed, and then walked over to the front desk.  
  
"May I help you, sir?" the middle-aged woman behind the counter asked.  
  
"Yes, have you seen a tall woman with curly red hair come through here lately? She's wearing a blue shirt," he asked.  
  
"Hair pulled back with a barrette and khaki pants?" the woman asked.  
  
"That's her, yeah."  
  
"I think she went outside. She had a laptop and a box with her." she replied.  
  
"Great, thanks," It was the most concrete information he'd gotten, so he headed out the door. To the left was the swimming pool, but there was a wide, wraparound porch to the right. He hadn't noticed it the day before. Shrugging, he took a chance and walked around the corner.  
  
Down towards the far end of the building was a cluster of chairs and tables. As Josh approached, he saw that there was someone sitting there. A rather large green water bottle sat on the arm of one of the mission chairs, obscuring the downcast face of the chair's occupant. Josh recognized the duct tape strip wrapped around the bottle, though. Donna had done that and written with a magic marker "This is CJ's water bottle. If you throw it out, you will have to go back to the rest stop where we found it and buy her a new one" because CJ had been so excited about the 1 liter bottle. She and Donna had raved about the bottles for several miles until Toby threatened to pitch them out the window. Josh watched her from a few feet away. She had her headphones on, her laptop plugged into a surge protector that was plugged into the wall outlet, and her "mobile desk" from the bus balanced on the chair arms. She was sitting Indian style and Josh's ankles hurt in sympathy. Almost unwilling to disturb her, since she seemed to be the only one of the campaign staff getting actual work done, he finally walked in front of her to get her attention. Touching the edge of the desk, he said loudly, "CJ?"  
  
She looked up, surprised. Pulling her headphones off, she said, "Hey, how'd you know I was out here?"  
  
"Process of elimination," he explained, pulling another chair over and sitting down.  
  
"Ah. Are they still at it?" she asked.  
  
"Oh, yes. They've escalated to throwing things, now. Or Toby has at any rate. Sam's raising his voice, which is probably about the equivalent." Josh smiled a little. "I need to know what the time table for tonight is."  
  
"Oh, right. I meant to come in and give it to Donna, but I got involved with this stuff for Denver." She moved papers around, until she came up with a much-scribbled scrap of paper torn from a legal pad. "Dinner is at 5:30, then I'm gonna shower, dress, and you and I are leaving here at 7, everyone else will follow at 7:30, makeup and sound checks start at 7:40, and we're live at 8. Speech lasts until about 8:45, supposedly, anyway, I think that's one of Sam and Toby's issues, then audience questions for 15 minutes, then at 9:10, I talk to the press, Bartlet takes questions starting at 9:15, and we close shop at 9:30. Tear down, load the equipment on the van, we ought to be back here by 10:30, time enough to take a nap until the bus leaves at 4:30 am for Denver," she finished.  
  
"Ok, Sam and I have to take Mandy to catch an 10:45 flight, so we're going to cut out when we close shop," he said quietly.  
  
"No problem. It'll probably actually go quicker if Toby and Sam can't argue about the speech afterwards." CJ was glad Josh would have some moral support for that trip.  
  
He sighed. "Leo's going to be looking for you here in awhile."  
  
"Official Mandy announcement?" she asked.  
  
"That among other things. It's better if he just talks to you. Just remember that both Mandy and I agreed to everything he's going to tell you, ok?" Josh said, looking her straight in the eye.  
  
CJ was silent a moment, then nodded. "Ok."  
  
"Any problems with the press today?" he asked.  
  
"Nope. Everything was pretty low-key. They're saving the hardball questions for tonight," she explained.  
  
"Well, if you want to run though anything, let me know, I'm glad to be your sounding board," he said, smiling lopsidedly.  
  
"Ok. Not right now, though. Maybe by dinner," she replied, smiling back a little.  
  
"Before dinner. No campaign talk at dinnertime, remember?" he asked, recalling Abbey Bartlet's dinnertime rules. It had become pretty much policy that the main campaign staffers and the candidate's family ate dinner together at least. It was a way to touch base with everyone, and an opportunity for Bartlet to get to know his staffers better. The whole thing was Leo's idea, in an effort to increase everyone's comfort level. Everyone basically agreed it was a good idea, and there were rarely complaints.  
  
"I know. I meant beforehand," she replied mildly.  
  
"Why are you hiding out here? It's hot," he said after a moment.  
  
She shrugged. "It's not hot."  
  
"You all right?" he asked. She'd been uncharacteristically distant the past two days. The only time he'd felt like he'd been talking to the woman who'd become one of his closest friends had been last night before they'd fallen asleep.  
  
"What? No, I'm fine, Josh. Why?" she asked.  
  
"I dunno," he said. "If you're all right, don't worry about it."  
  
"I'm fine. Besides, I should be asking you that question." she said softly.  
  
"I'm ok, CJ. It's going to be all right, she'll go back to DC, get a better paying job, and be happier than she's been the whole campaign. I can handle that," he replied.  
  
"Ok," CJ said after a moment. "If you want..."  
  
"I know, I know," he interrupted. He paused, and then said, "Thanks."  
  
"Always, Joshua." CJ smiled.  
  
"You too, Claudia Jean," he grinned at her. "Don't stay out so long that you get fried, you hear?"  
  
"I'm fine. I'm in the shade; I've got sunscreen and my water. I've lived in heat like this for quite awhile, Josh. I'm a _lot_ more accustomed to this kind of weather than I was to New Hampshire," she retorted.  
  
"Or Minnesota, for that matter," he said, teasing. He laughed at her visible shiver.  
  
"God, I thought I'd never get warm after that trip. No, I'm much happier here in sunny Arizona." she said, laughing a little.  
  
"Ok, I'm gonna let you get back to work. I've got to update Donna and put Sam and Toby in their separate corners before Bartlet gets back with Mandy and adds fuel to the fire. We'll never live though dinner if all four of them get started," Josh rolled his eyes as he stood up.  
  
"Good luck," CJ did not envy him his task. It was one that usually fell to her, but she had effectively washed her hands of this fight several hours earlier.  
  
"Mmm," he said, giving her a wave as he walked off.

* * *

dark and lonely, lonely man  
  
"will you ever smile?" said the breeze again  
  
"someday I think you will if you let us in"  
  
"I'll try, I'll try" he whispered again

"Dark and Lonely Man", Jump, Little Children

* * *

Leo walked around the veranda towards CJ. She wasn't working, but rather staring off into the desert distance. "Hey, kiddo, what're you up to?" he asked as he approached.  
  
She jumped slightly, and looked up guiltily. "Taking a break," she replied.  
  
"It's ok, you're allowed to do that," he told her, taking the seat Josh had vacated an hour before. "What's up?"  
  
"I've got the press packets for Denver finished, and I was working on the ones for St. Louis," she told him.  
  
"Good. I think you're the only one getting anything done around here today," he sighed. "Josh give you a heads up?"  
  
"Told me you'd be looking for me, but nothing beyond that. I knew Mandy was going," she said quietly, looking back out into the distance.  
  
"Yeah, he said he'd told you. It's not been much of a secret today." Leo followed her gaze and saw the building thunderheads. "Going to storm soon. Maybe it'll cool things off a bit."  
  
"It's not that hot," she told him. Leo looked at her curly bangs, which were sweat plastered to the sides of her forehead. She looked hot to him, at least.  
  
"Ok," he said, not wanting to argue with her. "Listen, CJ, I need to talk to you about something."  
  
"Yeah?" she asked, turning her attention back to Leo.  
  
"You've known Toby for awhile, haven't you?" he asked.  
  
"About 7 years, yeah," she nodded.  
  
"Is he...I mean, does he always," Leo stumbled over the words. He didn't know exactly how to put his question delicately. "He seems to, well, drink." he finally finished.  
  
CJ sighed and closed her eyes. "It's not always like this, no. Toby has cycles. We're not in a good one right now."  
  
"Is it the campaign, or something else?" Leo asked.  
  
"A little of both maybe. I mean, we're doing well, we're gaining attention, and he's still looking over his shoulder expecting to be fired any minute." CJ explained.  
  
"We're not going to fire Toby," Leo said.  
  
"I know. He knows, most of the time. But when you've had the losing streak and the luck he's had sometimes, you wonder." She shrugged. "He'll snap out of it."  
  
"Are he and Andrea Wyatt getting divorced?" Leo asked after a moment. CJ looked away. "CJ, it's obvious that things are falling apart for them. I don't think a day goes by where someone doesn't overhear him on the phone fighting with her. I can understand if he doesn't want it to be public knowledge, especially in light of her campaign, and this campaign, but I should know. I'm only asking because I'm concerned about things," Leo finished.  
  
CJ was quiet for another long moment, before saying, "They are, but he doesn't know it yet."  
  
Leo frowned. "What do you mean by that."  
  
She sighed. "Andrea got the papers drawn up by a friend of hers. She's waiting until after the election to put it in motion beyond that. I made her promise to tell him soon, but she doesn't want to, because she knows he'll try to talk her out of it. It's not that she doesn't love him anymore, or that he doesn't love her. Neither of them has been unfaithful, in the least. It's that they're just both strong willed, stubborn, opinionated people, who mix like nitroglycerine and earthquakes."  
  
"That's quite an image, there, CJ." Leo said, smiling a little.  
  
"It's true though," she said.  
  
"I don't doubt it. How do you know this and he doesn't?" Leo asked.  
  
"Andi told me last week," she shrugged.  
  
"I didn't know you knew her, too," he said.  
  
"I met Toby about a year after they were married. We met because it was 2 am, and we were both the only ones still working on our respective campaigns. I needed a staple gun and couldn't find one with staples, so I went over to swipe one from their offices. He found me one and watched me proceed to put a staple through my hand because I was so sleep deprived I pushed down on the trigger while holding it. After bandaging my hand, which had been gushing blood pretty well, he talked me into coming home with him so I could get some sleep because I wasn't really in any shape to drive _before_ the staple gun incident, and so someone would be around if my hand started bleeding again. Andrea was still up when we got to their place and she took one look at my hand, which had, in fact, started bleeding again during the car ride, and dragged me to the emergency room, where they put three stitches into the palm of my hand, gave me a tetanus shot, and a lecture on sleep deprivation and equipment safety. It took them 3 hours to get around to me, so Andi and I had plenty of time to bond. By Election Day, I was pretty close friends with both of them, and we kept in touch fairly well after they left California," she explained.  
  
"I see." Leo said.  
  
"I'll talk to him. Maybe he'll knock it off if I tell him he's not making it any easier on himself," she sighed.  
  
"That's probably a good idea. If he needs something, tell him to come talk to me, ok? I'd be glad to help however I can," Leo told her.  
  
She nodded. "Anything else?" she asked.  
  
"Yeah," he said. "I need you to take over Mandy's job." He figured it would be easier if he came right out and said it.  
  
"Instead of my job?" she asked, unperturbed.  
  
He shook his head. "In addition to your job. You're the only one who can manage the press, and we're getting more and more attention every day. We've got some sticky situations coming up, and I'm really going to need your talents with the press. But, you're also the person with the best PR background. Mandy's good, but Toby said he thinks you're better."  
  
"I don't have near the amount of experience Mandy has," she countered.  
  
"No, and I know that. But Toby and I both think you have just as much talent, if not more. You handle the press much better than she does. Better than a lot of people I've seen." Leo did not give compliments lightly, and he knew CJ knew that. He also knew that of all the people on this campaign, the person he felt was in the least danger of getting a swelled head was CJ.  
  
She blushed. "So, I'd be doing PR and press duties?"  
  
"Right. We'll see about getting you an assistant as soon as we get the chance, which might not be until we head home, but I promise you, we'll find someone for you. It'll be an awful lot of work for you in the meantime, but I'm sure you can handle it. You won't have to set any dates up for this trip, they're all settled, and Mandy had some preliminary ones for the next swing, but you'll have to finalize them. Do you know anything about websites?" he asked.  
  
CJ nodded. "I can use FrontPage. I can probably figure out whatever program we were planning to use."  
  
"Good. Mandy was in the process of revamping things, so I'm going to need to you finish that. I'd contract it out, but we don't have the money, so if you can do it yourself, that would be great."  
  
"Ok," CJ nodded.  
  
"You all right with this?" Leo asked.  
  
She shrugged. "I sort of expected it, after Josh said you guys had talked about Mandy's leaving."  
  
Leo looked at her carefully. He had first hand experience of how CJ would just keep quiet when something wasn't right. "You're sure?" When she nodded, he continued, "Ok, then, but if you start getting overwhelmed, I want to hear about it, you hear me?"  
  
"Yessir," she told him.  
  
"All right, then. Dinner's in an hour," he reminded her.  
  
"I'll be there," she replied.  
  
"I'll see you then. Don't get too hot out here, ok? It's going to be a long night," he said gently as he stood up to go.  
  
"I'm ok, but thank you," she said softly.  
  
He nodded and left her to get back to work. 


	2. Chapter 2

"Without you,

The world revives colors renew,

But I know blue  
  
Only blue, lonely blue  
  
Within me, blue  
  
Without you...the mind churns  
  
The heart yearns, the tears dry  
  
Without you Life goes on but I'm gone  
  
Cause I die...without you

"Without You", RENT

* * *

"You busy?" Toby looked up and saw CJ standing in the open doorway.  
  
"For you, no," he sighed and tossed his legal pad in the direction of Sam's bed and grimaced as it hit the floor. "What's up?"  
  
"Just wanted to talk," she said, shrugging.  
  
"Well, don't just stand there, then," he said, sprawling back on his bed. She sat down on Sam's bed and regarded him for a long moment. "What?"  
  
"Did you talk to Andi today?" she asked.  
  
He groaned. "No. She's got a busy day today, said she'd call me tomorrow." She nodded and he eyed her suspiciously. "CJ? What do you know?"  
  
"Nothing," she said evenly. She probably would have fooled just about anyone else she knew, but she'd never been all that good at lying to him.  
  
"CJ. What do you know?" he repeated.  
  
"I know nothing, Toby. I know nothing except for the fact that I'm watching a good friend fall apart," she said pointedly.  
  
Toby sighed as he closed his eyes. CJ was relentless. He'd been surprised she'd been so restrained about his and Andi's problems. "I'm not falling apart."  
  
"Bull. You have been drunk almost every night of this campaign. I'm told that before I signed on, you were drunk several of the days as well. Why are you doing this?" she asked.  
  
"I notice you didn't say this wasn't like me," he said, sitting up to look at her.  
  
"No, I know this is like you. I want to know why. Are you trying to become an alcoholic? Or is this just a Toby phase? It's getting pretty damn hard to tell, Toby," she finished softly. He didn't answer. "People are worried about you. Everyone knows you and Andrea are having problems. They're forgiving a lot of your behavior because of that. But you're worrying people and you're scaring me." she whispered.  
  
Toby fell back onto the bed and turned his head to look at her. CJ stretched her long body over Sam's bed, so she could look him in the eye. "I'm sorry," he whispered. She nodded. "I don't...oh, hell." He rubbed his hand over his face and sighed. "I think she's leaving me."  
  
There was a long silence. He could see the acknowledgement in her face. "You know something, CJ." It wasn't a question.  
  
CJ sighed and closed her eyes. "I really, honestly can't...do you know where I am, Toby? Do you realize what is happening here? I'm caught between my two best friends and I don't know who to help and who to betray. And there's nothing any of us can do about it. I can't betray Andrea to you any more than I could betray you to Andrea. Please don't...I don't want to make choices between you two."  
  
"Ok," he said quietly. "I won't do that to you."  
  
"Thank you," she replied.  
  
They were quiet for a while, until he started talking again, at first slowly and painfully, but gradually gathering steam. "She's leaving me, CJ. And I can't do a damn thing about it. I love her, so I have to let her leave because it's what she wants, but I don't want to lose her. What do I do now? How do I, I don't know, recover...She's the only woman I've ever loved, and it just hurts so much that we can't make it work. I know you need more than love, you need trust and respect, and we _have_ that. We just can't...I don't know, live. And I think I'm more scared now than I've ever been before," he finished in a rush.  
  
The words hung in the air between them, like the sudden humidity before the impending thunderstorm outside. "Are you scared of losing Andrea or are you scared of this campaign?" CJ asked finally. He glanced at her, but she was on her back, staring at the ceiling instead of looking at him.  
  
"I don't know. Both, neither. I don't know." he answered softly.  
  
"They won't fire you," she offered, as though she knew it wasn't going to be of much help.  
  
"No, I suppose not," he admitted.  
  
"And Andrea loves you," she told him. "She's not any happier than you are."  
  
He nodded. "I know."  
  
"You're both so miserable. Maybe this is good. I know it hurts, but maybe it'll be better than always bleeding from constantly reopened battle scars, you know?" she whispered. He looked at her again, but she was still concentrating on the ceiling. He didn't respond.  
  
They remained like that for a long time. Neither of them moved, even when Sam came into the room to get something. He quickly left without finding what he needed, recognizing that he was intruding upon something private and painful. Finally, Toby asked, "Are you scared, CJ?"  
  
"A little," she admitted.  
  
"Of Mandy's job?" he asked.  
  
"You said I have more talent than Mandy." She wasn't answering his question, but her voice held a wondering note, as though she couldn't believe he would say such a thing.  
  
"You do," he said simply. She didn't reply. "What's scaring you?"  
  
"I don't know. Maybe it's just free floating anxiety from everyone else." He nodded, knowing she was susceptible to things like that. Other people's stress levels tended to make her more and more nervous as though she had to be constantly on guard for an explosion. He'd never asked why, and he wasn't sure she'd tell him if he did ask. His and Andrea's problems were probably not helping her any, he realized.  
  
"I told Josh he could call me Claudia Jean," she said suddenly. Toby blinked. He knew the number of people in the world who had that privilege could be counted on both hands with fingers left over. He was one of them, of course. He and Andrea both, although he couldn't remember ever actually using it.  
  
"Good," he said.  
  
"You think?" she asked, uncertain.  
  
"Josh isn't a bad guy. You'll be all right," he reassured her gruffly. If she had told Josh her name, then it meant she had someone else to lean on. And CJ had precious few people she trusted enough to lean on. He knew that part of it was the fact that right now she wasn't sure she could depend on him or Andrea, because they had their own problems. And if there was one thing CJ was fanatical about, it was the lengths she'd go to in order to not be a problem or a burden to someone else. Toby knew that she and Josh had become closer than he'd ever seen CJ get to someone. It didn't hurt, since he knew that they were closer to each other than most people could get, but that neither of them could make it completely past the other's barriers. They were both walled off, private people. Perhaps that was why he couldn't live with Andrea, who was as open as a waterfall. Josh, however, wasn't quite as open as Andi, but was millions of miles away from CJ's lockdown mentality. If Josh could breach those bulwarks, then more power to him, Toby thought, knowing that he never could, any more than CJ could breach his own.  
  
"Ok," she whispered.  
  
"We need to go to dinner," he said, glancing at his watch.  
  
"I know." She stood up and sighed, tired.  
  
At the door, he turned to face her. "Listen..." he trailed off, in order to marshall his thoughts better, than continued. "I don't mean to be scary. I'll try and cut back on the drinking, ok? And I'll talk to Andrea, ok?"  
  
She didn't say anything, but reached out and wrapped her long arms around him. He pulled her close, and they stood there for a long moment, secure in the knowledge that the other one was just as uncertain about everything.

* * *

Memories are just where you laid them

Dragging waters till the depths give up their dead

What did you expect to find?

Was it something you left behind?

Don't you remember everything I said when I said,

Don't fall away, and leave me to myself

Don't fall away, and leave love bleeding in my hands

"Hemorrage (In My Hands)", Fuel

* * *

The speech had gone fairly well, Leo thought as he lowered himself to sit on one of the camp cots Abbey had bought for the strat room. Jed was sprawled in an armchair next to him. They looked up as CJ and Toby entered the room. Toby was still in his shirt and tie, although the tie was now unknotted, but CJ had changed into shorts and a t-shirt. They were arguing quietly, but stopped when they saw the men relaxing. "Good job tonight, you two," he said, waving them over.  
  
"Yes, come, sit, relax awhile before Abbey chases us all to bed," Jed said, smiling.  
  
Toby mumbled something under his breath, but CJ smacked him lightly and moved very carefully towards the other cot. She sighed as she kicked off her sandals. Toby dragged another chair over and joined the group. "It went well enough," he commented.  
  
"That it did," Jed said.  
  
"What time did Josh say Mandy's flight left?" Leo asked.  
  
"Sam said 10:45," Toby said glancing at his watch. It was 11.  
  
"I'm sorry to see her go, but it just might be nice to not watch them constantly bicker," Jed sighed. Leo nodded. CJ didn't say anything, just rubbed at her forehead as though it hurt. Toby caught her at it, and silently got up and left the room. He came back a moment later and handed her a cold bottle of that juice with the funny name, a bottle of Tylenol and her glasses. She made a face at him, but took the items without comment. "You know, CJ, we're not being formal here. If you want to stretch out on that camp cot, don't stop yourself on our account," Jed told her, smiling.  
  
"Thank you, sir," she sighed, managing to smile in Jed's general direction. She put the glasses on, downed two pills quickly, and swung her feet up onto the cot, resting her head back on the overstuffed throw pillow at the end nearest Toby. Toby said something else that Leo didn't catch, and she reached out and smacked his leg. "Shush," she said firmly.  
  
"What was that?" Jed asked.  
  
"Nothing, sir," CJ said.  
  
"Toby, what did you say?" Jed persisted.  
  
"I told her that people who couldn't see past the end of their noses should expect to have headaches when they try to do without corrective vision," Toby answered as CJ groaned.  
  
"I can see past the end of my nose," she insisted, as both Jed and Leo chuckled.  
  
"Not very far," Toby retorted.  
  
"I can see quite well enough to do what I am doing right now. The fact that my head hurts has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I wasn't wearing my contacts," she informed him.  
  
"Of course not," Toby said lightly.  
  
"Are you myopic or hyperopic?" Jed asked, smiling over at her.  
  
"Myopic," she sighed. "Extremely myopic."  
  
"Yes, so myopic she can fall into a swimming pool that she knows is there," Toby said teasingly.  
  
"Oh, hush. Like you've never done anything embarrassing," CJ said, beginning to blush.  
  
"I don't believe I've heard anything about this," Leo said.  
  
CJ groaned, and put her hands over her face, blushing furiously. Toby smiled, and told Leo and Jed about how CJ had been having a rather lousy day when he'd offered her the campaign job. Jed laughed heartily at the description of a dripping wet CJ trying to walk into her house, but missing steps she couldn't see.  
  
"I'm sorry, CJ, but you have to admit that it _is _pretty funny," Jed apologized.  
  
"Mm, I suppose it is," she replied, taking her hands down from her face. "But I don't think it's_ nearly_ as funny as a city boy who can't follow a metro parks trail, even though it's made of _gravel_ , has large green signs with bright yellow arrows marking the way, and is lined with those timbers. It's even funnier when said city boy has to be fished out of a blackberry bush by a park ranger about a mile away from the trail and gets fined $500 dollars for damaging the natural environment because he can't manage to make a simple right hand turn to follow the _very_ clearly marked trail," she said innocently.  
  
Leo laughed, guessing correctly that she was referring to Toby. Toby had the grace to look somewhat abashed as he said, "No, no, I think the pool is funnier."  
  
"Josiah, are you coming to bed or what?" The group looked up, laughing, as Abbey walked into the strat room. Leo waved her over, still chuckling.  
  
"Oh, come on, Abbey, join the party. We can sleep on the bus," he said. She shrugged and came over to sit down on his cot, squeezing his shoulder as she sat between him and Jed.  
  
"All right, but just for a moment. I just got finished telling Zoey that everyone else was taking a nap too, and that won't fly if we stay up gossiping," she said. "So, what on earth is so funny?"  
  
"Toby and CJ are one-upping each other's embarrassing stories," Jed explained, giving her a quick summary of the havoc bad eyesight can play around swimming pools and how some people just don't get along with the great outdoors.  
  
"Oh, that is rich, Toby, that is rich," Abbey laughed after Jed finished explaining Toby's blackberry encounter.  
  
"Yes, well," Toby said with a long suffering sigh and a dirty look in CJ's direction.  
  
CJ, to her credit, just smiled mildly. "I can bring it, Toby Ziegler."  
  
"Yes, yes, you can, CJ Cregg," Toby replied in the same mild tone. They gave each other the type of look Leo recognized as one that only your best friend could give you and live.  
  
"Ok, enough stories, bed time," Abbey declared. "I, for one, am tired. C'mon, Jed," she said, standing and offering her husband a hand up. He rolled his eyes, but took it.  
  
"Thanks for the new décor, Mrs. Bartlet," CJ piped up.  
  
"I thought a couple more places to catch some sleep couldn't hurt. Besides, it gave Zoey and I something to do." She smiled at the remaining night owls. "Y'all might want to consider some shut-eye yourselves," she suggested.  
  
"In a little bit, Abbey, in a little bit," Leo assured her, smiling at his friend.  
  
"Well, then, good night all," Jed nodded a farewell as he put his arm around his wife.  
  
"Night," the three of them chorused as the Bartlets left the room.  
  
CJ got up long enough to grab her bag from the table by the door and came back to her spot on the cot, stretching her long legs and sighing as she swung them back up on the cot.  
  
"Did you get a good long run in today?" Toby asked idly. Somehow, Leo wasn't surprised that CJ was a runner, although he didn't think he'd known it before now.  
  
"And a lecture," she said sourly, nodding.  
  
"Who lectured you?" Leo asked.  
  
"Josh," she answered. "He doesn't think I should run alone in the morning."  
  
"Well, he's probably right," Toby commented.  
  
"Don't you start," she warned him.  
  
"CJ, you've been doing this crack of dawn insanity as long as I've known you. I know better than to mock the workout," he assured her.  
  
"Damn straight," she muttered.  
  
"What was Josh's problem?" Leo wondered.  
  
She sighed. "He doesn't like the fact the no one knows where I've gone or how long I've been gone for."  
  
"Well, what time does this running take place?" Leo asked.  
  
"5:30, 6," she shrugged.  
  
"Problem solved. I'm up by then, you just call me and then someone knows you're leaving," Leo told her. "To tell the truth, I'm not wild about no one knowing where you are either."  
  
Toby was silently shrinking in his chair as though expecting an explosion. Leo watched CJ count to 10 silently before starting, "Leo, I can,"  
  
"Take care of yourself, I'm not saying you can't. I'd tell anyone else working on the campaign the same thing, including the guys. Besides, I have a daughter who's probably not much younger than you are, and I still have her call me when she knows she's going to be getting in late. Just humor me," Leo ordered gently.  
  
CJ looked mutinous, but finally nodded.  
  
"Ok, I'm going to go take that nap," Toby said, seeming eager to extricate himself from this conversation before CJ decided to let Leo have it anyway. He reached out to tap CJ's forehead in rare display of affection. It seemed to defuse her and she relaxed and grabbed his hand a moment. Leo watched the look that passed between them before CJ nodded and told him good night. "G'night, CJ. Leo," Toby shrugged as he turned to go.  
  
"See you in a couple hours," Leo called as Toby left. He regarded CJ as she fished a file out of her bad and started flipping through it. "What are you doing?" he asked.  
  
"Trying to get a handle on the next trip," she explained, looking over the top of the folder.  
  
"CJ, you worked all day, we're getting on a bus in 4 hours, and you're still at it. Why don't you just take a nice long break and work later?" When she moved to protest, he sighed and put his hands up. "All right, all right. Do you want some help?" he offered.  
  
She shook her head. "No, I'm all right."  
  
Leo let her work in peace a moment, but when she started rubbing at her head again, he decided to try and distract her. "Is there anything in particular you want in an assistant?"  
  
"What do you mean?" she asked, confused.  
  
"Well, for Toby we need to find someone who can keep up with him, and Josh needs someone who can deal with him, so I suppose it's a good thing that Donna found him," Leo explained. "What do you think you need? " She appeared to ponder that for a moment, and he was glad to see that she put the file aside. "Have you ever had an assistant before?" he asked, realizing that she might not have.  
  
"I had a secretary at Trinton-Day that I shared with my group, but other than that, no. It didn't work well," she admitted.  
  
Leo would not have pegged CJ as being difficult to work with, so he asked curiously, "Why not?"  
  
"She would get annoyed because I kept forgetting to give her my schedule, and I kept doing all my own typing. She thought I felt like I was above having her for a secretary," she explained, timidly.  
  
"I see. Well, if we find you an assistant, you could work something out with her that's she's more of someone to help you, rather than a secretary. How's that sound?" he asked. She nodded judiciously, so he continued, "What do you think you could use help with?"  
  
"Setting up and coordinating travel dates," she said automatically.  
  
"Ok, what else?" He seemed to be succeeding at keeping her distracted. She was about to answer, when her cell phone rang.  
  
"Bartlet for America, CJ's mobile office," she answered the phone. Leo smiled; CJ'd had the most problem remembering the phone phrase, and it was heartening to see that it was much more natural that before. "What? Sam, slow down..." The smile disappeared as CJ sat up, frowning. "She did _what_ ...you're kidding...ok, ok. Well, I guess that makes sense...where are you? You're not sure...Ok, well...Yes, I surmised that from the fact that you're calling me...Sam...Samuel...What on earth have...you don't know that either...ya think?" Leo leaned forward as CJ's voice started to rise. She was concentrating intently on what Sam was saying and her face shifted from worried to angry and then back to worried. "Ok, Sam, is there a bartender there...Yeah, can I talk to him, please...well, if for no other reason that he would know where you are, yes? Thank you...Hi, what's your name? Ok, Steven, I'm CJ...yes, yes, they are mine...yeah, I know he is...well, yes, she was, but that's really neither here nor there...where are you...we're staying at the La Quinta...right...oh, ok, that's not too far...about a mile and a half? Ok, what street...yeah, I think I can find that...no, I'm going to walk over...yeah, I should be there in about half an hour...are they being completely obnoxious? Oh, good...what were they drinking anyway? Oh, that would do it, yeah...yeah, don't let them leave...well, yes, that goes without saying...ok, thank you." She rolled her eyes at Leo as she paused a moment. "Sam? Ok, you two stay put . I will be there in about half an hour. Behave yourselves, if at all possible. Oh, and Sam, you're cut off, you understand me? Good. I will be there soon. Bye." She shook her head and punched the off button on the phone.  
  
"What happened?" Leo asked as she shoved her feet into her sandals.  
  
She sighed. "As far as I can tell, Mandy broke up with Josh, apparently in front of Sam, so the two of them took what seemed like the most reasonable course of action. The upshot is, Sam's not exactly drunk, but he can't drive, and Josh is probably completely trashed, from the sounds of things."  
  
"Oh God," Leo sighed.  
  
"Exactly. So, since they have a rental car that we have to return to the hotel before we leave, I'm going to walk over there and drive them back here," She started randomly shoving files back into her bag.  
  
"Want me to drive you in the other car?" he asked.  
  
"No, it's only about a mile and a half. I can walk that in about 20 minutes." She looked angry, but it was hard for Leo to tell, since her face was almost completely blank. He nodded in response, but hoped she wasn't going to make things worse.  
  
She got up to leave, but he stopped her. She turned at the doorway, looking at him expectantly as he tossed her the jacket Jed had left on the armchair. "Go ahead and wear this, it's getting chilly."  
  
"Thanks." CJ caught the windbreaker and shrugged into it, looking tiny, since it was rather much too large. "I'll be back in awhile," she said before leaving the room.  
  
"Yeah," Leo said, watching her go.  
  
About 45 minutes later, Leo heard voices in the hallway and got up to investigate. As he left the room, CJ's voice floated around the corner. "No...Sam, just go to bed. I've got him."  
  
Sam must have acquiesced, because he came around the corner. "What's up?" Leo asked.  
  
"Oh, Leo," Sam sighed, squinting at him. "CJ had to come get us. Josh was getting sick." His words were just barely slurred, and Leo couldn't smell the alcohol, so he guessed that Sam hadn't been intending to get drunk. Leo knew, however, that Josh was a lightweight.  
  
"Is he ok?" Leo asked.  
  
"Yeah, CJ's got him." Sam rubbed at his face.  
  
"Ok, go sleep it off. We've got a day tomorrow," Leo said calmly. Sam nodded and headed for his room. Leo walked around the corner and knocked on Josh's door. It opened a crack, and he poked his head in. CJ was standing in the bathroom doorway, talking softly.  
  
"Josh, you deserve better than this. She was not worth all this." Josh mumbled something either inaudible or incoherent.  
  
"CJ?" Leo asked, stepping into the room.  
  
"We're ok, Leo," she said without turning around.  
  
Leo paused, sensing that it would probably be better if he didn't interfere with this. "Ok, I'm going to get some sleep, if you've got everything under control."  
  
"Ok. We'll be fine," she said, still focusing on Josh. Leo nodded, even though she wouldn't see, and left them alone.

* * *

All the times that I cried  
  
All this wastin, it's all inside  
  
And I feel all this pain  
  
Stuffed it down, It's back again  
  
And I lie here in bed, all alone I can't help but feel  
  
tomorrow will be okay

"Outside", Staind

* * *

"Josh, come on. Time to get going." Josh groaned, but managed to open one eye to see Donna bending over him holding out a bottle of water.  
  
"Time?" he moaned.  
  
"It's about 4. You've got half an hour. Here, take these." She handed him some pills.  
  
"Oh, God," he muttered, gulping them down. "What'd I just take?"  
  
"Compazine, Tylenol and B vitamins, complements of Dr. Bartlet, who says if she sees you without a water bottle today, you'll be in serious trouble with her," Donna replied. "Come on. Up."  
  
He managed to get out of bed and squinted at her. "Ok, I'm up."  
  
"Good. Shower and come on." She turned to go.  
  
"Is CJ mad?" he asked.  
  
Donna paused by the door. "I don't know, it's hard to tell. She's being awfully quiet, but everyone is pretty sleepy at the moment. I don't think she ever went to bed."  
  
"Oh." He watched Donna leave as he thought about that.  
  
After his shower, he dragged his suitcase down to the strat room, feeling slightly better. Sam was sitting at one of the tables, looking shocked. "What happened?" he asked as he joined them.  
  
"My guess is that Sam just got his first taste of a CJ outburst," Toby said from behind him, as he walked into the room. Josh turned to look at him. "What? They aren't all that unusual."  
  
"Sam?" Josh asked.  
  
"I'm fine," he answered. "She just...yeah."  
  
Toby sat down as Josh asked, "Was she yelling about last night?"  
  
"Nnno, not really. It wasn't all that specific," Sam put his head down on the table.  
  
Toby nodded. "Then she's not actually mad at you." Sam and Josh looked at him. "She isn't. If she were, she would have gotten specific. What happened last night?"  
  
Sam sighed and gave him a quick summary of events as Josh winced. Toby nodded, but didn't say anything. "Where's CJ now?" Josh asked.  
  
"I don't know. Donna went after her," Sam replied.  
  
"Next time you should just let her go," Toby said quietly.  
  
"If I were you," Abbey Bartlet said just then, walking into the room, "I would leave CJ be for awhile." The men turned to look and saw Abbey smiling tightly and Donna following her, slightly wide eyed.  
  
"Please tell me she didn't tear your head off, ma'am," Toby sighed.  
  
"Toby, please give me credit for knowing when not to get in the way of someone who looks like a cornered wildcat," Abbey said sharply. "What is she mad about?"  
  
"We don't know," Sam said.  
  
"Well, why do you all look so surprised? You've never seen someone get mad?" she asked.  
  
"CJ just seems, I don't know, so...calm," Sam replied. Donna nodded. Toby snorted in disbelief.  
  
"Sam, you have noticed, in your dealings with CJ in the past several months that she is a redhead?" Abbey said. At his nod, she continued, "And you didn't think she'd have the temper to match?"  
  
"Well..." Sam trailed off, shrugging.  
  
"Sam, honestly, don't worry about it," Toby said. "She's not angry at you and she's probably not angry at Josh, either. She doesn't yell at someone when she's angry with someone else. And believe me, when she's pissed at you, you know exactly what she's mad about and what she expects you to do about it. If she's yelling indiscriminately and randomly, she's just frustrated and upset in general, and there's not a thing anyone can do about it. It's best just to let her stomp off and cool down. Just let her be and let her come to you. She'll probably apologize as soon as she sees you. Besides, she only gets a temper with people she's comfortable with." he added.  
  
Abbey nodded. "We've all had a rough week and today is going to be a very long day. She's on the bus already, and I suggest you all just pretend she's not there unless she says something. It's not going to be easy for her to calm down when she just can't get away from everyone."  
  
"And it's time to go," Toby added, leaving the room.  
  
CJ was, in fact, in her usual seat at the back of the bus, although all Josh could see was her legs because she was sitting behind the partition. He sat down in his customary seat in front of Sam and across from Donna, while Toby sat two seats behind Donna instead of his usual seat in front of CJ. No one said much as the bus pulled away into the predawn darkness.  
  
Josh woke up to find that the sun was up, they were just getting onto US 191, and that they'd been driving for about 3 hours. 3 down, 11 and a half to go. Hopefully, they'd make Denver before 6. Tonight's meeting was at 9, and then tomorrow was the big day. They had 3 appearances, and then the drive to Colorado Springs. He stretched and looked around. Donna was reading with her headphones on, Margaret was asleep in the seat in front of her. Leo was asleep two seats in front of Margaret, and the governor was reading something in the seat across from Leo. Abbey and Zoey were both asleep in the seats behind Leo and the Governor. Behind Josh, Sam was snoring softly, but Toby had moved back to his regular seat. He couldn't see CJ at all. Remembering what Donna had said about water bottles, he reached for his, but found that it was empty. The only person he could think of that would have a full water bottle was CJ. Sighing, he got up and walked towards the back of the bus. CJ was curled up on her seat, a ratty blue, green and white striped blanket covering her. She was asleep and Josh almost turned to go back to his seat without disturbing her when Toby looked up and asked if he needed something.  
  
"Just wondered if I could have some of her water," he answered softly.  
  
"Hey CJ," Toby said in a gentle voice. Josh moved to tell him not to wake her up, but Toby waved him to be quiet.  
  
"Yeah?" came a sleepy mumble.  
  
"Can Josh have your water bottle?" Toby asked.  
  
"Yeah," she mumbled again. "Under th' seat."  
  
"In your bag?" Toby just got a drowsy nod at that question. "Ok, thank you."  
  
"Welcome," she muttered as she snuggled down deeper into her blanket.  
  
Josh bent down and dragged CJ's tote bag out from under the seat. He found her water bottle, then wedged the bag back into its spot between the plastic bins she had put there. She'd claimed the seat early on as a mobile office, since she rarely slept on the bus. She had just about every possible office supply and set of papers in the bins under her seat and she had her lap desk. On one long boring trip, Sam had made her a sign that said "CJ's mobile office, knock and come in" and stuck it on the partition that blocked part of the seat from the rest of the bus. The partition was there because CJ's seat was behind the unused restroom. They'd converted the restroom into a storage closet, when it became obvious that no one was ever going to actually use it.  
  
Standing back up, he noticed Toby watching him. "Just let her know you have her water bottle, she might not remember that conversation." Toby said.  
  
"She said she wasn't much of a sleeper," Josh commented.  
  
"She's not. You can have conversations with her and she'll be completely out, but she'll only hear you if you talk directly to her." Toby pointed to the seat across from him, so Josh sat down, recognizing the Toby obviously had something to say.  
  
After regarding him a moment, Toby said, "She told me a little about your conversation the other night." Josh nodded. "You do realize that being allowed to call her Claudia Jean is a definite privilege?"  
  
"She said something about only special people getting to call her by her name," Josh replied.  
  
"Well, I can count the number of people who are allowed to know and use her full name on one hand." Toby gave Josh a penetrating stare. "It's pretty important."  
  
Josh was quiet for a moment. "Are you one of them?"  
  
Toby nodded. "I am, my wife, her father, and the mother of a college friend. It means she trusts you."  
  
"So, what you're trying to say is that if I betray this trust, you'll kill me?" Josh asked, thinking he was getting the gist of what Toby was saying.  
  
"No, what I am telling you is that she's given you the power to hurt her. And that you probably will. I know I have, and I know other people on that list have. But she'll forgive you." Toby said.  
  
"So, she wouldn't forgive someone else?" Josh asked.  
  
"No. No one else would be able to hurt her. She's a fortress, Josh. You've started to scale the walls." Toby hesitated, then continued. " She needs you, although she won't admit it. She won't lean on me right now, or on Andrea. She's not close to her father, and there's really no one else. The fact that she's starting to trust people on this campaign is something I've never seen her do this quickly before."  
  
Josh digested that for a moment. "I see."  
  
"I think she's gotten to the point where she's just plain tired. There are things about CJ I don't know, even though I've known her for almost 10 years. There are things she just won't tell me, and things I just won't ask. But, eventually, there will be questions that will have to be answered, and eventually seems to be coming sooner than she ever thought it would. I have no idea what is going on inside of her head, but l can tell that whatever it is, it's going to be a storm and it's going to come fast and furious. But I also know I won't be the one it hits first. Neither will Andrea."  
  
"It's going to be me," Josh said.  
  
"Probably. I don't know." Toby sighed and looked over at her. "In the whole time I've known her, she's evaded any attempts people have made to get closer than she'll allow. She runs, Josh. She's run from a couple opportunities I know she had while she was with EMILY'S list. She ran from at least one relationship. She'll say it was because things weren't working financially, and that is true, they weren't, but it was more than that. She'll say she wanted to stay in California, and that's why she wouldn't take the other jobs. That is also the truth, but not the whole truth. I'm actually surprised she came with me. I told Leo I wasn't sure I could get her to come, and that if I did get her, then I couldn't guarantee she'd stay. The fact that she's still here makes me think she's just tired of running anymore."  
  
Josh mulled Toby's words over for awhile. Toby turned back to his legal pad in a clear indication that the conversation was over, so Josh wandered back up the aisle to his seat. Donna looked up as he sat down.  
  
"How do you feel?" she asked.  
  
"Pretty good," he said, taking a swig from CJ's water bottle. "My head hurts, but that's about all."  
  
"Good," Donna said, stretching.  
  
"Good book?" he asked, pointing at the book she'd put down.  
  
She swiveled to put her feet up on the seat and rested her chin on her knees. "I've already read it."  
  
"Then why did you bring it with you?" he asked.  
  
"I didn't. I read all mine, then I finished the book CJ lent me, and she didn't have anything else I hadn't already borrowed on this trip, and Margaret isn't a fast enough reader to need more than one book on the trip. I couldn't really find myself interested in the Chicago Manuel of Style, which was the only book Toby had with him, and all Sam had was a couple random magazines. I already know you only have the one book, and I've read that too. This was the only book in the hotel gift shop that was longer than 80 pages and not a western," she finished, holding out the Steven King novel. He took it and read the title: Pet Sematary.  
  
"Well, it's definitely more than 80 pages," he said.  
  
"Yeah, but it's not as good when you already know what's going to happen. Horror novels aren't really something you can read twice. The thrill just isn't there the second time." she said.  
  
"Kind of like mysteries," he replied.  
  
"No, I read those more than once. I like to see if I missed things the first time around." She sighed and took the book back from him. After a moment, she said, "I didn't tell you I was sorry."  
  
He sighed. "It's ok. She'll be happier, and well, maybe that's what matters here."  
  
"Are you all right?" she asked tentatively.  
  
"Yeah. CJ knocked my head around a bit last night and pointed out some stuff that I didn't remember when I woke up but I remember now. I'll be fine." He looked out the window for a moment, then back to Donna. "I just wish she hadn't done it in the middle of an airport at the top of her lungs."  
  
"Ouch." Donna winced.  
  
"Something like that, yeah." He took another drink of water as Donna turned back to her book. He didn't much feel like talking, so he just watched the scenery fly by until he fell asleep again.


	3. Chapter 3

Seldom are things just as they seem

Calluses grow to keep what's underneath

Seeing it now I must admit

Cowardly way to keep you from me

'Cause I have been bought and sold

Done just as I've been told

And you, you ask me what was wrong

I'd answer nothing, nothing

"Closer", Guster

* * *

_Colorado Springs, CO: July 12, 1998_

"Josh, I do have to admit that you and CJ fighting is worse than you and Mandy fighting, and unless there's something going on that I don't know about, you two aren't even together," Sam sighed in exasperation as he slumped into the booth across from Josh.  
  
"CJ and I aren't fighting, and what do you mean by that?" Josh said without looking up from his newspaper.  
  
"Well, it sure seems like you are." Sam said, scanning the McDonalds' menu, even though he probably knew it by heart. "Why are we eating here? There's nothing even remotely good for you in this restaurant."  
  
"It's cheap and it's fast. What did you mean that me and CJ fighting is worse?" Josh looked up from his reading.  
  
"Because if you guys were fighting, then she's fighting all of us." Sam replied. "I'm hungry, where is everyone?"  
  
"Two seconds ago you didn't want to eat here," Josh pointed out.  
  
"I still don't, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm hungry," he explained.  
  
Josh nodded. "They'll be here in a minute." They sat in silence for a moment, then Josh asked, "What did CJ fight you on?"  
  
"Nothing, that's the problem. She hasn't said two words to anyone since we got to Colorado Springs. I tried to tell her that she messed up some of the text on the website and she didn't even say anything, she just fixed it." Sam waved his hand as he saw Leo and Toby enter the restaurant.  
  
"She's got an awful lot on her plate at the moment, Sam." Josh nodded to the newcomers and folded up his paper.  
  
"I'm just sayin'," Sam said, but trailed off as CJ joined them.  
  
"Hey CJ," Josh said. She nodded vaguely. "Ok, let's eat before Sam gets hungry enough to gnaw on the table," he continued, standing up and heading for the line. He had noticed CJ's silence, but in light of the conversation he and Toby'd had on the bus, he was leaving it be. He looked over at her, but she didn't seem to be paying much attention to anything going on around her. Josh was jolted out of his reverie by Toby and Sam's argument.  
  
"Sam, just get a damn quarter-pounder and be done with it already," Toby growled.  
  
"Do you know how much..." Sam started but was cut off by Leo.  
  
"Sam, order. Something. I don't care what. But do it in the next 30 seconds or you will _walk_ back to the hotel," Leo said through clenched teeth. It wasn't too much of a threat- the hotel was less than 3 miles away- but Sam took it seriously and quickly ordered a garden salad and a small fry. Tempers were running high, even though nothing had gone wrong. Things were even going remarkably right, except for the fact that none of them had seen anything resembling home in close to a month. They were all exhausted and the fact that they still had a stop in St. Louis, as well as some smaller Missouri towns, before headed back towards New England was not helping any.  
  
Josh quickly ordered a Big Mac and fries before Toby or Leo could say anything, then turned to CJ who blinked as though she hadn't realized she was expected to do something. She quietly ordered a large fry and chocolate milkshake. "That's all you're getting?" Josh asked.  
  
"I'm not hungry," she explained. It was the longest non-work related sentence she'd said to him since Arizona. Josh caught Toby shooting her a sharp look, but just nodded.  
  
They were all about halfway finished with their meals when Donna came into the restaurant. "Josh, you have a call," she said, coming over to the table.  
  
"You drove over here just to tell me that?" he asked, looking up at her.  
  
"No, Margaret and I were already over here to go grocery shopping for the bus," she retorted. Josh nodded and reached for the phone, but she pulled it away. He noticed her hand was clamped very firmly around the mouthpiece. "It's Mandy," she said quietly.  
  
Josh tried to ignore the eyes that fell on him as the table instantly started paying attention to what was going on. "I don't want to talk to her," he said quietly.  
  
"She said it's important and that she's not calling to fight. She thinks you have something of hers that she needs," Donna said. "I just wanted you to be forewarned."  
  
He sighed, and reached out for the phone. As he got up from the table to move off a bit, he said "Madeline," in a rather frosty tone.  
  
"Stop it Joshua, I don't have time to argue with you right now," Mandy sounded irritated, which didn't surprise him.  
  
"Oh, and I do," he countered.  
  
"Josh, can it. I just need one piece of information from you and then you can hang up on me and go back to whatever it was you were doing," she sighed.  
  
"Fine. What do you need?" he asked shortly.  
  
"Is my grey pinstripe suit over at your apartment?" she asked.  
  
"In DC?" he asked.  
  
"Unless you have another apartment somewhere else, yes, your apartment in DC," she snapped.  
  
He sighed. "Mandy, I've been on the road for a month, which you well know. Before that, I don't think I'd actually been in DC for close to two months. Which means, I haven't seen my actual apartment since somewhere around the beginning of April. If you left something there, you either left it there before April, or you've been to my apartment since then without me knowing about it. In any case, I have no idea if your suit is in my apartment." He paused a moment, then said, "It's not in the hotel room?"  
  
"No. It's not," she answered testily.  
  
"I don't know where it is, sorry," he said after another tense moment.  
  
"Can I go look for it?" she asked tiredly.  
  
He didn't answer her for a moment, but then sighed and said, "Yeah, I guess."  
  
"Ok." She sounded tired, and very small for a moment. "Josh?"  
  
"Yeah?" he asked warily.  
  
"Why did Donna have your phone?" He blinked, not expecting that question.  
  
"She was making calls to set some stuff up for St. Louis while she and Margaret were doing some errands," he explained.  
  
"Oh." Mandy was quiet, then said. "I have to go."  
  
"Go, then," he said, shortly. He then hung up the phone without saying goodbye, or letting her say it either. He stood in the middle of the almost deserted restaurant for a long moment before realized he felt rather stupid standing there looking at his cell phone. Shaking his head, he walked back to his seat. Everyone was basically pretending that nothing had happened. Donna had gotten Margaret from the car, and they'd joined everyone else for lunch. He slid back into his seat and took a sip of his pop, trying to maintain the impression that nothing was wrong. A cool hand touched his, and he looked up to see CJ smiling sadly at him. She squeezed his hand, but didn't say anything. He squeezed back, and managed to eat his lunch.  
  
They finished eating, and headed back to the hotel. Josh found himself squeezed between CJ and Sam in the backseat of the Taurus, since Donna and Margaret had taken the other cars to split the errands between them. CJ leaned her head back on the seat next to his, and whispered, "You all right?"  
  
"Not especially, no," he whispered back. Thinking a moment, he added, "How about you?"  
  
She didn't say anything for a moment, but then whispered, "I'll be fine, don't worry about me."  
  
He started to say he was going to worry anyway, but Toby interrupted his thoughts by asking him if he'd been in touch with the DNC people in Washington today. "Yeah, Toby, we're set for St. Louis, but we're gonna have to make a DC run before we go back on the road. I've got Donna setting something up."  
  
"What, someone stalling?" Leo asked. He was the best connected of them all with the party, but he'd given a lot of the work to Josh, partly to free himself up for dealing with Bartlet and partly to give Josh more experience.  
  
"No, funding is ok, there's just a few fumblers on the platform. And they want to get their two cents worth in before the first debate in August." Josh sighed. "It's not going to be a problem."  
  
"Well, if it's Henderson, tell him to stuff it. I've got his number and he knows it," Leo directed.  
  
"I'll bear it in mind," Josh said.  
  
"Why's the first debate so early?" Sam asked. "Aren't they usually in the fall?"  
  
"Yes, but we want the people to have a good chance to hear our candidate's erudition. The more televised debates we can talk the Republicans into, the better, since we should be able to clean up in them," CJ said to everyone's surprise. She must have caught the startled look Josh saw Leo and Toby exchange in the front seat. "I'm right, aren't I?" she asked uncertainly.  
  
"You sure are," Josh reassured her.  
  
"Definitely," Leo said, nodding. "Good pickup," he added. CJ nodded, still looking slightly unsure. Josh squeezed her hand quickly as Leo pulled into the hotel parking lot.  
  
"So, the plan is debate early and often," Sam said.  
  
"That is the plan, yes," Toby said. "We'll see how it goes after the first run through, but for now, let's concentrate on taking care of Missouri. I'm not too confident about the small town tour before we head north. If I remember right, it can be pretty Southern down there, and we're not doing too well with Southerners," he continued as he got out of the car.  
  
Josh was probably the only one who noticed CJ start to fiddle with the hem of her shirt as she waited for him to exit the car. Raising an eyebrow at her, he did so, but she didn't respond. He watched her as they walked into the hotel, listening to Leo and Toby discussing the South.  
  
"Well, Hoynes has a trip next week," Leo was saying as they caught up to him.  
  
"Yes, but we really need to get down there, both alone _and_ with Hoynes. The lack of solidarity with our VP candidate is not going to continue to go over well," Toby argued.  
  
"Wait," Josh said. "You actually _want_ to travel with Hoynes?"  
  
"Not particularly, no, but we need to, regardless. I don't like the man, I don't trust him, either, but he does have more pull than we do in certain areas," Toby replied.  
  
"I know," Josh said. "Do you want me to talk to him again?"  
  
"No, let it go for right now. There'll be time for that after we get back East," Leo said. "Let's just concentrate on not making complete fools of ourselves in Southern Missouri, which might be all we can hope for right now. CJ," Leo continued, "how close is the website to being ready?"  
  
"Sam proofed it this morning," she answered. Turning to Toby, she asked, "Did you look at it yet?"  
  
Toby shook his head. "Not since you made the changes this morning."  
  
"I didn't change anything other than some of the wording in the introduction and the news page," she told him.  
  
"Then it's fine. Go with it," he said, nodding.  
  
"Great. Ship it home and have someone upload it ASAP, would you?" Leo directed her. She nodded. "Sam, Toby, how's St. Louis coming?"  
  
"St. Louis is good to go," Sam said. Toby nodded in agreement.  
  
"Good. Get the press packs for the other two stops and start in on that. Remember, the thing in...what's that town again?" he asked the group at large.  
  
"Three States," CJ supplied quietly without appearing to think about it at all.  
  
"Yeah, that one. It's Q&A, and we have no idea what kind of curves the audience might throw." Leo said.  
  
"Why don't we know?" Sam asked.  
  
"Because no one's ever been there before," CJ replied in the same quiet voice.  
  
Leo nodded. "Our people in Missouri are looking into it, and it's going to be advertised as being on certain subjects, which will be scripted, but we will be open for audience questions at large."  
  
"Great," Toby grumbled.  
  
"We do well in small towns, Toby," Josh put in.  
  
"I know, I know. Ok, CJ, you've got the info?" he said, changing the subject.  
  
She nodded and closed her eyes in a familiar manner. "Blue box, second file after the neon green divider, titled Miscellaneous Missouri Info," she told him after a moment.  
  
"How do you do that?" Sam asked in amazement.  
  
"She's freakishly organized," Toby said. "Come on, Sam, we've got work to do." Leo followed them both into the strat room, leaving Josh and CJ standing in the lobby.  
  
"I'd better call Mandy and see if she found the stuff she was looking for," Josh sighed.  
  
"You don't have to," CJ told him. "You could just let it drop."  
  
"I could, but I would like to know what she did about the room in Manchester and where she's going. I'm also a glutton for punishment," he informed her.  
  
That got a quick smile. "Ok then. Go be a masochist."  
  
"Thanks for the benediction," he said lightly, hoping for another smile. She didn't really reward him with one. "Hey, are you really ok?"  
  
She tried to look surprised, but failed. "Of course I'm all right. Don't worry about me."  
  
"You've just been awfully quiet and you aren't eating much," he said, forging ahead recklessly.  
  
"I'm tired, that's all," she tried to smile reassuringly, but he hoped that she realized that he could see right though it.  
  
"Why don't you go catch a nap, then. The website's done, and you're not even involved in tonight's meeting," he said cajolingly.  
  
"Yeah, ok," she said, unconvincingly. He knew she wouldn't actually sleep, but she looked tired enough to at least consider lying down for a little while.  
  
"I'll wake you up for dinner," he told her. She nodded, looking more and more exhausted by the second. It was as if as soon as he called her on being out of it, her body started to give out on her. It wasn't comforting. _She might sleep after all_, he thought. "Go on, then," he told her.  
  
"I'll see you," she said as she walked down the hallway to the room she was sharing with Donna. He watched her fumble with the keys, and hoped she made it into the bed before she completely collapsed. _Maybe I won't wake her for dinner_, he thought as he went to join the rest of the group in the strat room.

* * *

If I gave everything, if I gave,  
  
If I gave everything, if I gave.   
  
I don't want you to love me anymore.   
  
I don't want you to love me anymore.   
  
If I came home one last time,  
  
Think of what the two of us could do.   
  
If I came home one last time,  
  
Think of what the two of us could do.   
  
I guess we'll never know.

"No Love", The Get-Up Kids

* * *

_St. Louis, MO: July 14, 1998_

__   
  
Toby had never liked St. Louis, and now he had even less reason to like it. He hung up the phone and walked out into the hall in a daze.  
  
"Toby? There's a meeting," Donna told him as she walked past. He waved to acknowledge he'd heard her, but couldn't find his voice.  
  
Sam and Josh were bickering. Leo was bent over CJ's laptop looking at something she'd just completed. CJ herself was pacing. She hadn't sat still since they'd arrived. Toby reached out automatically to catch her arm, to try and get her to settle down. She flinched away from him, so he released her and managed to sit down heavily in a chair, letting her nervous energy distract him from his thoughts. Ignoring Leo's admonishment of Josh and Sam, he studied CJ as she fidgeted. She was almost manic, he realized, but he couldn't manage to form a coherent plan to deal with that right now. Suddenly frustrated by his complete impotence in both this situation and his life, he surged unsteadily to his feet.  
  
"Stop it!" he exclaimed. Everyone turned to stare at him. "Just stop it! Let's just get this meeting over with so we can get out of this Godforsaken city and move on, so we can finally go home, where we'll probably be just as unwelcome, but at least it'll be a familiar hatred," he yelled, voice breaking.  
  
"Toby?" he felt a hand on his arm and looked to see CJ grasping it. Her wide grey eyes held seven kinds of pain and fear. He subsided a bit, but tried to say something, anything, to at least make the look in CJ's eyes go away, to even make the splinters or his own heart reform. "Toby, come on. Let's just go, ok?" she whispered. He saw her glance at Leo and get a nod of permission. He saw the shocked looks on Sam and Josh's faces and felt a gentle tug on his arm. "Come on," she whispered again.  
  
He let her lead him down the hall to his room. She steered him to his bed and made him sit down before disappearing. She came back with a glass of water, which she handed him. He looked up at her with eyes full of unshed tears.  
  
"How long have you known?" he managed to choke out.  
  
"A week, maybe," she said, knowing what he was talking about without asking for an explanation.  
  
"She made you promise not to tell?" As he managed to talk, he found the tears becoming dislodged as he tried to blink them away. He didn't remember that they'd had a similar conversation a couple days before, over a thousand miles away.  
  
CJ gently brushed one of his tears away with her own shaky hand. "No. It wasn't for me to tell." He nodded and pulled her to sit beside him. He could feel his breath catching in his chest and tried valiantly to make it stop, but failed. "No, no," CJ whispered soothingly as she drew him close. "Go ahead and cry, Toby, just cry, please?" He found he couldn't prevent it any longer and just let it go. CJ sat and calmly absorbed his stormy sobs.  
  
When he finally stopped crying, she handed him some tissues and the glass of water again. They sat silently, but CJ couldn't help but fidget. Toby knew that she was ordinarily incapable of sitting still, but her squirming was actually reaching new heights of nervous energy. "CJ, are you all right?" he asked finally.  
  
She looked startled and drew back slightly. "Let's not worry about me right now. Let's concentrate on you. How are you doing?"  
  
"It hurts like hell. It's going to hurt, I know that. What I want to know right now is why you are so nervous," he said looking at her.  
  
"I'm fine, Toby." She couldn't meet his eyes, though.  
  
"CJ, it would make me feel much better if I knew what was bothering you," he said gently, still haunted by the look in her eyes. He was well aware, however, that he was crossing her unspoken boundaries.  
  
"I'm just tired. Too much caffeine," she told him.  
  
"In other words, you don't want to talk about it," he said.  
  
"No, I don't," she replied, looking him straight in the eye.  
  
"Fair enough." Despite the fear in her eyes, he wouldn't pry, and she well knew it. "You should call Andrea," he said softly.  
  
"No. I shouldn't." He looked up startled.  
  
"Why not? She was pretty upset, too. I imagine she'd like someone to talk to," he said.  
  
"I know." CJ was making an attempt to look unperturbed, but her eyes were still hurt.  
  
"What happened?" Toby asked, somewhat alarmed.  
  
CJ sighed. "Andi told me she was going to tell you, and said that in order not to put me in the middle, she was, and I quote, 'ceding custody of our friendship' to you."  
  
"Oh." he said. "I see."  
  
"She said when everything calmed down, we'd get together, but right now, you need me more, and besides, I'm actually here with you," CJ said, twisting the bedspread. Toby watched her and felt like he understood part of her pain. CJ didn't really have many friends, he knew. Having one voluntarily leave her in order not to make her uncomfortable or hurt her was probably more difficult than being put in the middle. He sighed, and tried not to think about things for a moment, but was unsuccessful. CJ noticed and said gently, "Why don't you just lie down for awhile. I'll keep Sam and Josh out of here and come get you when we're ready to get on the bus."  
  
"Yeah," he nodded gratefully. He found that he really wanted to be alone right then.  
  
"Ok. I'll be back in awhile." She kissed his forehead lightly before heading for the door.  
  
"CJ?" he said as she opened the door. She turned, looking at him quizzically. "Thanks."  
  
"Always," she said softly, drawing the door shut and leaving Toby alone with his thoughts.

* * *

I see you run around in circles  
  
I see you digging your own hole  
  
I see you fight the fights  
  
you just can't win  
  
I see you losing self control  
  
what it does to me  
  
deep down inside  
  
I hope you will never know

"Sunflowers", Everclear

* * *

_Three States, MO: July 16, 1998_  
  
"Haven't these people ever heard of air conditioning?" Sam muttered under his breath, pulling his shirt away from his body.  
  
"Well, Sam, look around. Somehow I don't think air conditioning is the topmost priority in their budget," Donna murmured back in the same manner. They'd all become extremely proficient at talking without moving their lips or attracting attention.  
  
"Shh," Josh whispered. "Questions." Donna and Sam subsided next to him. The three of them, along with CJ were leaning against the back wall of a high school gymnasium in a tiny town in the middle of Nowhere, Missouri. Josh wasn't even sure anyone had told them the name of the town and the gym didn't actually give him any clues. They'd arrived in Three States, Missouri, which was a decent sized town, only to find that they were actually scheduled to be speaking in this place, which wasn't even on the map.  
  
"Are we answering these?" Sam asked incredulously. Most of the questions didn't have a thing to do with national level politics, or a presidential campaign.  
  
"Most of these people have never even met their rep to the state legislature, let alone their congressman. They might only be familiar with county level officials, which might not be so wonderful around here. The fact that a presidential candidate is here is both an honor and confusing," CJ answered tiredly. Josh glanced at her. She'd been even more nervous since they'd left St. Louis. He hadn't seen her eat or sleep in the past two days and it seemed to be catching up with her. Her eyes were closed and she was leaning against the wall as if it could hold her up.  
  
They were silent for a moment, listening to the questions, which were slowly becoming more and more appropriate. Two people asked about the tax plan, one about education, and there was the obligatory abortion question. These questions mixed with questions about trash collection and traffic laws in a most bizarre fashion that seemed utterly natural to the audience participants and completely alien to the campaigners. Finally, one question caught everyone's attention. A rather burly middle aged man stood up and asked "Mr. Candidate, you know that women violence thing?" Josh blinked in surprised as Bartlet answered affirmatively. "Well, what right do y'all think they've got to tell us how to handle our women?"  
  
"I'm sorry, I don't think I understand what you mean," Bartlet temporized. Josh closed his eyes and hoped this wouldn't torpedo them. Domestic violence could be a touchy issue in the Southern states, and one they wanted to avoid, because they were all adamantly opposed to it, especially considering the viewpoints of the rather outspoken women connected to the campaign.  
  
"Well, sir, I'm sure you know that women sometimes just get uppity and need some discipline. They're sayin' we can't discipline our women," the man explained, leaving no doubt about what kind of discipline he was referring to. Josh and Sam automatically reached out to restrain the two of the wonderfully outspoken women standing next to them. Glancing over, Josh noticed that Donna looked indignant and only the fact that Sam had a death grip on her shoulder was keeping her from leaping in and arguing with the questioner. Josh looked back towards CJ, who wasn't straining against his hand on _her_ shoulder, and found that she'd opened her eyes and gone somewhat ashen, but looked resigned and unsurprised.  
  
Bartlet paused for a moment and after glancing to the corner where Leo stood, gave the same answer he'd given to the other irrelevant questions in a bland, noncommittal voice, "Sir, I can tell you have concerns about this issue, but it isn't really something a presidential candidate would address at this point. I suggest you contact your municipal government representative, Mr. Smithfeld, who is present tonight, and he can direct you to the correct person to address your concern." The man looked at Bartlet for a moment, then sat down, muttering under his breath.  
  
Thankfully, the emcee decided that was a good ending point and the audience applauded politely. Sam kept Donna gently pinned against the wall as the crowd filed out of the gymnasium. Josh gave CJ another concerned look, but didn't have the chance to say anything, because Leo was waving him over.  
  
"Tell CJ to skip the press conference for now, we'll give one later back in Three States," Leo directed him. "I don't want her talking to the press all riled up."  
  
"She's not, though," Josh replied, biting his lip. "She's utterly calm about it. Donna, on the other hand is ready to go hunt the guy down."  
  
"And I really don't blame her, but keep her quiet, ok?" Josh nodded. "Well, if CJ thinks she can keep her cool, then let her get it over with," Leo continued. Josh nodded again and made his way back to Sam and Donna to watch CJ's press conference. She fielded questions automatically, but with her usual grace.  
  
"Damn, she's good," Sam muttered. Josh nodded in agreement. A cell phone rang, and every hand in the room reached for their pockets. Josh looked up after determining that it wasn't his. Leo was ducking out the door, talking rapidly. A moment later, Josh saw him poke his head back into the room and give CJ a high sign. Curious, he followed Leo back out of the gym.  
  
"Our funding from Kansas City is falling through," Leo explained as he dialed a number.  
  
"Why? I thought that was in the bag," Josh said.  
  
"It was, and I don't know, but I do know that it's going to go sour in a hurry if we don't do some fast talking. I'm sending CJ out to talk to them," Leo said, frowning.  
  
"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Josh asked. Leo waved him quiet so he could give Margaret a list of instructions, then looked at Josh as he hung up.  
  
"She's the one who set it up, Josh. Besides, she can be very persuasive," Leo explained.  
  
"She's also exhausted, Leo." Josh pointed out.  
  
Leo sighed. "I know. But really, do you see another alternative?"  
  
He shook his head after a moment. "Not really."  
  
"Ok then," Leo said as the press filed past them. CJ, Sam and Donna appeared a moment later. "CJ, I need you to go to Kansas City," he said, catching their attention.  
  
"Why?" she asked.  
  
"Funding damage control," Leo told her. She sighed exasperated. "Yeah, I know. Margaret is going to have tickets and an itinerary for you."  
  
"When do I leave?" she asked, focusing on the problem at hand.  
  
"As soon as Margaret can get it together. Just take what you need, we'll take care of the rest of your stuff," Leo instructed her.  
  
"Where am I going to catch up to you guys?" she asked.  
  
"Manchester. We're headed home tomorrow night, so you'll just fly into someplace back East," he replied. She nodded, resignedly.  
  
"I'll take you back to the hotel," Donna volunteered. Josh watched them leave.  
  
"She'll be fine," Leo assured him.  
  
"Do you think someone should go with her?" Sam asked.  
  
"Sam, there's no one else to go. I need you to deal with the press on the way back, and Josh and Toby have to go down to DC the day after we get back. She'll be fine." Leo said.  
  
"Does Toby know?" Josh asked. This afternoon was the first time Toby and CJ had been more than a room apart since St. Louis. Everyone _knew_ that Andrea had told Toby that she was divorcing him, but since Toby hadn't said anything, they were all pretending nothing was going on, which wasn't difficult, since it didn't change how they'd been acting for months.  
  
"Yeah, he's the one who suggested I send her. I wanted to handle it over the phone. If he thinks she'll be ok, then she probably will be," Leo said, as they walked out to the car. Josh nodded, reassured. Toby would know how to best handle CJ in this situation. They rode back to Three States quietly, each glad that this road trip was almost over. 


	4. Chapter 4

if you have a moment to spare for me  
  
if you need a friend that I will be  
  
if you need some company then call me  
  
if you wanna see a bad movie  
  
if you still believe you can trust me  
  
if you need a hand to hold  
  
there, look down by your knee  
  
no matter what you're going through  
  
no matter what you did or said you'd do  
  
no matter what it is, I will help you 'cause you would help me too

"Devotion", The Stereo

* * *

_Manchester, NH: July 30, 1998_  
  
Josh could hear the argument taking place in the almost deserted campaign office and sighed. Somehow, he'd known that CJ and Toby would wind up arguing when Toby had insisted on picking her up from the airport. Toby was just in a more argumentative mood than usual, and the trip to DC hadn't helped. Josh suspected, however, that it was Toby's abortive trip to New York that had caused most of the problem. CJ, on the other hand, had a tendency to get cranky after dealing with airports and airplanes. Not a good combination, Josh thought. He debated attempting to stop it when Toby's end of the conversation stopped him dead in his tracks.  
  
"CJ, I don't care...Listen, you can't do this...I'm only doing this because I care about you and want to help...Yes, I know I'm pushing...Ok, you know what, I don't think I'm the person who should do this tonight...I'm obviously not helping any...Look, Josh...Well, I'm giving you a choice...if you want to look at it as a threat, be my guest...it's the ER or him, CJ...Oh, I am dead serious, CJ...You do _not _want to test me on this tonight, I promise you won't like the outcome." Toby's voice trailed off, but Josh was alarmed. He was no less alarmed when Toby appeared at his door. "Josh?"  
  
"Yeah?" he answered.  
  
"CJ's...sick. I don't want to leave her alone, but I also know that if I try to take care of her tonight, we'll just fight because she'll get stubborn and I don't have the patience right now. I don't think she needs that right now, and I know I sure as hell don't need to fight with her. I told her I'd give her a choice- she could let you help her, or I could find a doctor. She's kinda phobic about medical personnel, so I figured she'd behave. Do you mind?" Toby finished, looking fairly tired himself.  
  
"Not at all," Josh said, standing up. He followed Toby into the main office where CJ said. Josh bit back shock. She looked like she'd lost 10 pounds in the week and a half since he'd last seen her. Her face was the same color as her white shirt and her eyes were bloodshot and ringed with purple so dark it looked black. She shivered almost convulsively, and just stared blankly at the desk beside her. Toby gently touched her face as he bent down in front of her. "Let him take care of you, ok? I'll talk to you in the morning," he whispered. He straightened and nodded to Josh before leaving.  
  
"Hey, CJ." Josh whispered, moving slowly as if she were a wounded animal. "Let's get you home, ok?" He held out his hand and was surprised when she took it.  
  
The drive to the hotel was short, but CJ's unresponsiveness worried Josh. As he helped her up the stairs, he said, "Donna's in DC with Margaret. Leo needed Margaret to take care of some things, and I told Donna she could go along to help, so she could get some time to do some of that sightseeing stuff. She's only been there the couple of times we've been down. They'll be back tomorrow night, so you've got the room to yourself." She didn't respond. After fumbling with the door, he finally settled her in a chair and dug around in the dresser for a moment. He found some clean pajamas and asked, "Are these yours?" She nodded mutely. Josh thought about it for a moment and decided that although a shower would probably help CJ, he didn't think she could manage to take one. "Ok, why don't I just go into the bathroom here for a moment and let you get changed?" he suggested. She still didn't say anything, but began unbuttoning her shirt.  
  
"Josh?" she called after a moment. He emerged from the bathroom and found her sitting on the edge of the bed, her hands spasmodically clenching the bedspread.  
  
"Oh, oh, Claudia Jean, what have you done to yourself?" he whispered.  
  
As if that whisper was a catalyst to whatever chemical reaction was brewing in her mind, CJ surged to her feet, swaying slightly. "I...I can't stay here," she whispered. "It was stupid to think...I need to go now."  
  
"Go where?" he asked incredulously. "CJ, I don't think you could even walk down the hall right now. Where are you going to go?"  
  
"I don't, I don't know. But I have to leave. I was stupid and I have to go now," she said in as firm of a voice as she could manage.  
  
"What are you talking about?" Josh was now confused. Leo had told him that everything in Kansas City had gone superbly well. He couldn't see any reason for CJ to say she'd been stupid.  
  
"I need to go. I'm sorry. I need to talk to Leo. Find someone to hire..." she trailed off as her knees buckled. Josh caught her and eased her down on the bed.  
  
"CJ, the only place you're going right now is a hospital. And I am seriously considering taking you, ok? You look awful," he said softly, sitting on the edge of the bed next to her.  
  
"No. No hospitals." she said. Even in her exhaustion, she was adamant on that point.  
  
"Okay," he said slowly. "Will you let me call Mrs. Bartlet, then?"  
  
"Why?" she asked.  
  
"Because I don't know what to do. Because I think someone with a better working knowledge of heath care should make a decision on whether you need medical attention. Because I don't want you to be, like, dying on me, here." Josh said in as calm of a voice as he could manage.  
  
"I'm not dying," she said.  
  
"Well, sweet-tart, I seriously hope not, but if I looked like you do, I imagine you would be pushing for me to be talking to a doctor. So, here's what I think we should do. I should call Dr. Bartlet, talk to her, and see what she says. If she thinks you'll be fine until morning, then we won't do anything now, we'll just talk some maybe. If she thinks we need to do something about this now, we'll take care of it. Do you think you can handle that?" he asked. She didn't respond for a moment, but then nodded. "All right then. You just lay back and let me take care of everything, ok?"  
  
She rolled over so that her back was to him. He took her silence as acquiescence, and pulled out his cell phone and hit the autodial for the Bartlet's house. Someone picked up after the second ring. "Hello?"  
  
Josh placed the voice after a second and said, "Hi, Eleanor?"  
  
"Yeah, who's this?" Ellie Bartlet asked.  
  
"Ellie, this is Josh Lyman," he started, but she interrupted him.  
  
"Oh. Hi. My dad's gone to bed already, but he's probably still awake if you need to talk to him."  
  
"No, actually I wanted to talk to your mom for a minute," Josh explained.  
  
"Ah. I'm not sure if she's home yet. She went to go see Liz today, hang on." Josh could hear her Zoey in the background. "Zo, is Mom home yet? Well, go tell her that Josh is on the phone for her. No, I don't know what he wants, just go. Please?" Ellie returned to the phone with a sigh, "Sisters," she muttered under her breath. "Josh, Mom's home, she'll be here in a sec."  
  
Josh listened to Zoey and Ellie argue again, this time about their older sister. A minute later, he heard Abbey Bartlet's voice say, "Sweetie? I've got the phone, you can hang up now."  
  
"Oh. Right," Ellie said as she hung up the phone.  
  
"Leo?" Abbey asked.  
  
"No, ma'am, it's Josh," he explained.  
  
"Ah. That got lost in translation. Zoey must have thought you were looking for Leo. What can I do for you, Josh? Jed's probably not asleep yet if you need to talk to him, but Leo left over an hour ago, hon," she said.  
  
"Actually, I need to talk to you," Josh told her. "CJ's not feeling well, and I, well, I'm kind of worried."  
  
"Mmm, what's wrong?" Abbey asked.  
  
"I don't know, and she won't tell me anything. She's terribly pale, shivering, and I think she's getting dizzy, but I don't know for sure," he said.  
  
Abbey was quiet for a moment. "Were you guys drinking?"  
  
"No, no, she just got back to Manchester about an hour ago. She was like this when Toby picked her up from the airport," he replied.  
  
"Ok. Ask her if she feels sick to her stomach," she said.  
  
"CJ?" he asked, gently rolling her back towards him. She didn't look any better. "Do you feel nauseous at all?" She shook her head. "No, ma'am, she doesn't."  
  
"All right. Do you know how to take someone's pulse?" Abbey asked.  
  
"Um, I think so, but I don't have a second hand on my watch." Josh said after a second.  
  
"That's ok, I do. See if you can find the pulse in her wrist. If you can't, try for the one in her neck. The wrist pulse is usually right below the palm of the hand, ok?" Josh gently lifted CJ's hand and turned it over. "Don't use your thumb, just the first two fingers, ok?"  
  
"Ok. I think I found it." Josh said.  
  
"Good. Now, when I tell you to go, start counting the beats. Keep counting until I tell you to stop. It's going to be quick, so pay attention, all right? Let me know when you're ready," Abbey instructed.  
  
He paused for a moment to make sure he had her pulse. It felt really fast, but he didn't say anything. "Ok, got it."  
  
"Go." Josh counted silently. "Stop." Abbey said, a very short time later. "How many?"  
  
"Um, 15," he said. "I think. It might have been 16."  
  
"That's fine, Josh." Abbey was quiet for a moment. "Josh, is her skin sort of clammy?"  
  
"It feels kind of cold, yeah." Josh replied, gently brushing CJ's hair away from her face.  
  
"See if she'll tell you when she ate last." Abby said.  
  
"Hey, when's the last time you had anything to eat?" he asked CJ.  
  
CJ didn't answer for a moment, then whispered, "I don't know."  
  
"She doesn't know, ma'am," he said into the phone.  
  
"Ah. Ok. Here's what we're going to do. Is there a fridge in her room?" Abby asked.  
  
Josh looked around, quickly. "Yeah."  
  
"Go see if she's got any juice in there. Orange juice preferably, but anything will do, really," Abbey ordered. Josh looked in the fridge and found half a bottle of orange juice.  
  
"Got it." he said.  
  
"Great. See if you can get her to drink it. Go slowly, though. I am going to get some stuff and come over there. What room number is it?" Abbey said.  
  
"Room 210." he told her.  
  
"Ok. Give me 15 minutes. Don't force her to drink the juice, just give it a try," Abbey said.  
  
"Um. All right. Is she going to be ok?" he asked.  
  
"Probably. Let me get there, ok, Josh?" Abbey said.  
  
"Ok." he said quietly.  
  
"Be there in a little bit," Abbey said, as she hung up. Josh nodded and turned back towards CJ.  
  
"Think you can drink some of this?" he asked softly.  
  
"Don't want to," she whispered.  
  
"Please?" he asked. She sighed and let him help her sit up. She drank part of it, but made a face. "What?"  
  
"Don't like the pulpy kind," she said.  
  
"Well, maybe that's enough for right now, and we can find you some different juice in awhile. Mrs. Bartlet is coming over, she should be here in a few minutes." Josh said, calmly taking the juice and putting it on the nightstand. She laid back, and he gently brushed her hair away from her face. They stayed quiet until a knock on the door made Josh jump.  
  
"How's she doing?" Abbey asked.  
  
"I don't know. She drank some of the juice, but she didn't want to." Josh said, leading her through the suite to CJ's room.  
  
"Hey CJ. How're you feeling?" Abbey asked, sitting down on the bed.  
  
"All right," she whispered.  
  
"Mmm, you don't look so all right. Does your head hurt?" Abbey started digging through her bag for something.  
  
"Yeah." CJ admitted.  
  
"And you don't remember when you ate last, except for the orange juice just now?" Abbey confirmed. CJ nodded hesitantly. "Ok, sweetie. I want to check something, but I need to prick your finger to do it. It won't hurt much, but it's going to pinch a little, sting a bit, and hurt just a little bit. I don't lie about pain, ok? It will hurt for just a little while, but it'll hurt less than a paper cut, ok?" CJ looked very wary, but nodded again. "How's this, Josh, why don't you grab her other hand, and it'll be over in just a second, ok?" Josh came around the side of the bed, and took her other hand in his. It was cold, so he rubbed it gently to warm it up. "Ok, CJ, here comes the pinprick," Abbey warned her as she snapped a button on a little machine. CJ barely flinched. "Not so bad, huh?" Abbey said as she squeezed a drop of blood onto a plastic strip and pressed a cotton ball to CJ's finger. Josh squeezed her hand gently, and smiled.  
  
Abbey's machine beeped after a minute and Abbey pursed her lips. "Right. Ok, then. " She looked up at Josh, and said calmly, "Do you think you could find CJ's shoes and a jacket?" Josh nodded and got up to do so. "CJ, honey, we need to take you to the emergency room. Your blood sugar is dangerously low and you need an IV to get it back up. That's why you feel so awful, because you haven't eaten. Now, I'm going to call them and see how busy it is, and who's around there tonight, ok?"  
  
"No hospitals," CJ said.  
  
"I'm sorry, honey, but we don't have a choice. Believe me, if we did, I would do something else. Josh and I will stay with you, we won't leave you alone, ok?" she said.  
  
CJ looked mutinous, but she let Josh help her put her shoes on and her jacket while Abbey called the hospital. "It'll be ok, Claudia Jean. Just let us take care of you, ok?" Josh said softly.  
  
"Ok, good news, they aren't at all busy," Abbey said as she helped Josh get CJ upright. "We'll have you feeling better in no time," she added as they left the room.

* * *

Don't tell me 'cause you know I know it hurts

Don't tell me 'cause you know It's gotten worse

Don't tell me 'cause you think I don't know shit about the way you feel

Tell me 'cause I don't want you to hurt  
"Vintage Queen," Goldfinger

* * *

CJ was getting restless. Josh sighed as he glanced around for the hundredth time to find something to distract her with. They'd been there for over an hour, but the first IV bag was only half empty. The official diagnosis was hypoglycemia and dehydration, and she was now on a saline and glucose drip that promised to last for another hour. Then, if her blood sugar wasn't at a more acceptable level, she'd get another one of those. Even if it was, they had told Josh they might give her a plain saline drip, just for rehydration purposes. CJ had gotten quite a lecture both from Mrs. Bartlet and the ER attending. Josh had been impressed when she hadn't broken down crying, since he had a feeling that he would have in her place. Unlike every other emergency room Josh had ever been in, this one was almost dead quiet. There wasn't anything to read, other than warning signs and CJ's chart, which wasn't exactly interesting. Josh was about to tell her to quit squirming when Mrs. Bartlet and another young woman entered the room.  
  
"CJ, how are you feeling," Mrs. Bartlet asked.  
  
"Better, I guess." CJ continued to maintain she hadn't been feeling all that bad. Josh was letting her maintain that fiction, since he didn't feel like arguing with her. He had, however, made her promise that they would have a long talk in the very near future. They had compromised, saying that she could have until the first IV bag to keep quiet, but after that, any question was fair game. She was definitely much more lucid than she had been when they'd arrived.  
  
"Good, I'm glad," Mrs. Bartlet said. "I might have found something for you to do. This is Katherine Decker. She's an intern, and she's just started her ER rotation. I thought, that if you felt up to it, you might be willing to let her practice taking a medical history. If you don't want to, it's fine, but it might distract you a bit."  
  
CJ mulled it over a minute. "I guess so. But you and Josh stay."  
  
"I told you I wasn't going anywhere," Josh reassured her.  
  
"We can stay, that's fine. If at any point, you want to kick either of us out, feel free. There's some questions involved that you might not want an audience for," Mrs. Bartlet warned her.  
  
CJ must have known what she meant, because she said, "Talking about that kind of stuff doesn't bother me." Josh picked up on what they were talking about, but kept quiet. Mandy had been one of those women who enjoyed giving information overdoses about "female issues" in order to embarrass her boyfriend. He'd gotten used to it.  
  
"Ok, then. Katie, why don't you get started? I'm just going to sit down over here, but I'm not going to interfere, ok?" Mrs. Bartlet said, taking a seat.  
  
"Yes, ma'am. Hi, I'm Dr. Decker," she said, offering CJ her hand. CJ shook it, smiling slightly. "Let's just get started, ok?" She asked CJ several general information questions. Josh was surprised to learn that CJ was only 32. He'd figured out that she was probably a little younger than he was, but he hadn't realized that she and Sam were the same age. Actually, she was younger, by about 6 weeks. And here we've been thinking of Sam as the baby, he thought. She acted older, though. Sometimes, she seemed older than Leo, even.  
  
The first hesitation in CJ's answers came when Dr. Decker asked about an emergency contact person. "I don't have one."  
  
"There's no one that could be called in an emergency?" Dr. Decker obviously didn't believe her. CJ didn't answer, but Josh could tell she was frustrated.  
  
"Josh Lyman, same address, same phone number," he said quickly, to defuse the situation. CJ had given the campaign office as her address and phone number, since she didn't have an address in Manchester.  
  
"And what is your relationship to Mr. Lyman?" Decker asked.  
  
"He's a friend," CJ said softly, glancing over at him.  
  
"There's no family to contact?" Decker asked again.  
  
"I don't know my dad's number," CJ admitted. "He just moved, and I don't remember it."  
  
At this point, Abbey spoke up and told the intern to just keep going, it wasn't all that important. The questions and answers continued smoothly until Dr. Decker reached the questions about family history. "I don't know any of that," CJ said calmly.  
  
"Are you adopted?" Dr. Decker asked.  
  
"No. I just don't know anything about my family medical history," CJ replied.  
  
"Well, are your parents still alive?" the intern persisted.  
  
CJ sounded irritated as she answered, "As far as I know they're both alive." It was a strange way to answer the question, Josh noticed, but didn't comment.  
  
"How old are they?" Dr. Decker asked.  
  
She sighed. "My dad is 67. I don't know how old my mom is."  
  
"Does your dad have any health problems?" she asked.  
  
"I don't know," CJ said in what Josh recognized as being a very controlled voice.  
  
"What about your mother?" she asked.  
  
"I don't know," CJ replied in the same tone of voice.  
  
"Grandparents?" Dr. Decker asked, as though she didn't expect any more of an answer.  
  
"Never met them," CJ replied.  
  
"Do you know old they were when they died?" was the next question.  
  
"No," was the short answer. Abbey once again spoke up to move things along and avoid an outburst from CJ, who definitely seemed to be getting some of her spark back. Which was a good thing, as far as Josh was concerned, but he could see how it wasn't helpful in this situation.  
  
Josh could tell they had reached the potentially embarrassing part of the questioning from the glance the young doctor sent his way. "CJ, do you want me to go?" he asked.  
  
She looked surprised but shook her head. "You said you wouldn't."  
  
"I know. I won't go unless you want me to," he replied, nodding.  
  
"I don't want you to," she said simply. "Unless," she said, looking at him, "Unless you'd rather not be here."  
  
"I don't have a problem with it. I just don't want you to be uncomfortable," he told her.  
  
"No. I'm ok," she said.  
  
"Ok, then," he said, squeezing her shoulder.  
  
"All right, then," Dr. Decker said. She was clearly uncomfortable with Josh being in the room, but he really didn't care about that. "Can you tell me when the date of your last period was?"  
  
"I don't know," CJ said easily.  
  
"Sometime in the last month?" she asked CJ.  
  
"No. Longer ago than that," CJ said, with that peculiar look that Josh knew meant she was attempting to remember something. "Maybe May."  
  
"Is there any chance you could be pregnant?" It was definitely a reasonable question.  
  
"Nope," CJ shook her head.  
  
"You're sure?" Dr. Decker asked.  
  
"Positive." CJ replied.  
  
"Are you on birth control pills?" the intern persisted.  
  
CJ shook her head. "Not now, no."  
  
"I see," Decker said.  
  
CJ rolled her eyes. "I have not had intercourse in over a year, ok? That's how I can be so sure." Josh recognized that tone of voice too. It was the tone she got when she knew someone didn't believe her and she had to give some ridiculous amount of information in order to convince them.  
  
Decker just nodded. "Have you ever been pregnant?"  
  
CJ didn't answer right away, but looked down at her hand a moment before nodding. "Yeah." Josh and Mrs. Bartlet both blinked in surprise, but neither said anything.  
  
"Did you carry the baby to term?" Dr. Decker asked, hesitantly.  
  
"No," CJ said very quietly. "I miscarried when I was about 15 weeks along."  
  
"Ok." The skepticism in the intern's voice was palpable.  
  
"I did," CJ insisted, looking up. "I did not have an abortion," she said very clearly.  
  
Decker nodded, but she didn't look convinced. Josh squeezed her shoulder again and said very softly, "I believe you, it's all right." CJ didn't respond, but looked back down at her hands.  
  
Dr. Decker wrapped up the rest of the questions quickly, obviously unnerved by the vehemence and difficulty of CJ's answers. Dr. Bartlet left with her, leaving CJ and Josh alone in the room.  
  
"I was 19," CJ said. "I know you're wondering."  
  
"Yeah, a little," he admitted.  
  
She closed her eyes and started in an emotionless voice. "I was a junior at UC Berkeley. He was a junior too, but he was 21. I was younger than everyone because I only went to high school for three years. It wasn't a one-night stand or anything- we'd been together for almost two years, since just after Thanksgiving freshman year, but I'd known him since the first day of school. I just started getting sick all the time, but I thought it was stress, since that year was simply awful. My roommate finally convinced me to go to the doctor after about a month. Turned out I was almost 10 weeks pregnant. I told Jamie that night, and he was in shock. Didn't call me for a week. When he finally did call me, he asked me what I wanted to do. Well, being the way I am, I'd been compulsively researching everything. I knew where three different abortion clinics were, which one was supposed to be the best, which one would do it for me anyway, even though I didn't have any money or any insurance. I knew about five different adoption agencies. I knew what all of my options were, and I also knew that I didn't have much time to decide. Second Trimester abortions are much more complicated, both in terms of the actual procedure and the aftermath. I wasn't sure what I wanted, so I asked him what he thought. It was his baby, after all. He said he really didn't like the idea of me having an abortion, but he would be ok with whatever I chose. Grace, my roommate, apparently had lectured him about pressuring me about keeping the baby. I found out later that what he had really wanted to do was for me to have the baby and then for us to get married after we graduated. I told him I had already decided that if I had the baby, I was giving it up for adoption. I...didn't think I'd make much of a mother. He said, ok. Whatever you want, CJ. We went back and forth on this for much too long. Three weeks later, I finally got fed up with it and just went ahead and made the appointment for an abortion. Because it was a second trimester abortion, I had to wait two weeks until they could set up a surgery date. I told Jamie, and he cried. I'd never seen a guy cry before. He didn't try to stop me, since he really did think I had the right to make whatever choice I wanted, but he said he wouldn't go with me. He would pick me up when it was over, and take care of me then, but he wouldn't go with me. It turned out to be unnecessary. I miscarried three days before the appointment. I thought I'd be relieved, but I wasn't. I honestly think I would have gotten to the clinic, they would have done the mandatory counseling, or preaching, if you will, and I would have told them I changed my mind."  
  
She fell silent as a nurse came in to run another blood sugar test. The results were much better than before, but still not all that great. Josh didn't say anything until the nurse had come back and changed the IV bag. "What happened then?"  
  
"Oh, I don't know. I honestly don't," she sighed. "Jamie was upset because I miscarried. Not at me, it wasn't my fault. The doctor said this sort of thing happens and no one really knows why. I apparently had a couple of risk factors that could have increased the chances of me miscarrying at that point, but no one had ever told me that. It had something to do with the fact that I was something of a late bloomer, for various reasons. I told Jamie it was better this way. I felt like it somehow had taken the decision out of my hands. He was none too comforted by that idea, and told me I was going to have an abortion anyway, so what did it matter. I'd gotten what I wanted. The relationship never recovered from that fight, but we didn't actually break up for another month." CJ stared at the ceiling. "I didn't love him as much as he loved me. That's what it boiled down to."  
  
Josh didn't reply, but gently took her hand in his and squeezed it. She looked over at him for a long moment, her expression unreadable. "Go ahead and ask the question, Josh," she said finally.  
  
He bit his lip, unsure if he wanted to cause her more pain tonight. But he figured that maybe it would be best to get it over with as quickly as possible, like pulling off a band-aid. "What's bothering you CJ? Why did you do this to yourself?"  
  
She closed her eyes again. "That's the $64,000 question, isn't it?" she whispered. Opening her eyes, she regarded him tiredly. "Are you sure you aren't asking questions you don't want answers to?"  
  
"I'm sure. I want to know," he replied firmly.  
  
"Why? Why does it matter? Why do you care?" she asked.  
  
Josh was dimly aware that her reticence was a test of some sort. Toby had warned him, obliquely, about this. He stood up, and sat back down on the edge of her bed, still holding her hand. "Nothing you could tell me could make me let go of you right now. You're slipping away from us, and I'm not letting that happen. I need you too much. We need you too much. I don't think I could find anyone else who could take one look at Donna and immediately realize that she needed a place to stay and someone to lean on. I don't think I could find someone who could always make Zoey feel like she's helping somehow. I don't think I could find someone else with the talent to deal with the press with a smile and the ability to tell them a story they'll believe without sacrificing respect. I don't know where to find someone who could choose the exact right moment to walk into Sam's room just as he was deciding to grab his wallet and just go. He told me later he was about to go rent a car and that he wasn't entirely sure if he was going to drive it off the nearest cliff or just to New York to try and reason with Lisa. I don't know where to find someone brave enough to defuse an impending argument between Ellie and her father. I don't know where to find someone with the patience to walk the governor through the interminable press conference preparations and still manage to laugh. I don't know where I'd find someone that Leo could depend on to do what they need to do without griping at him constantly. I don't know anyone who can handle Toby in the way you do. And I certainly don't know where I'd find someone who'd pick me up from an airport in California, then sit and hold my hand in the car for half an hour while I babbled about a funeral for someone you had no connections to. You've become the glue that is holding this campaign together, whether you realize that or not. But even glue gets dried up sometimes, and loses its stickiness. That's where I come in. I'm here to make you sticky again, so you can hold yourself together again, even if I can't make you sticky enough to hold the rest of us. So, forget the fact that I need you. Forget that we need you. Just tell me why you're hurting, just because I don't want you to be hurting. I won't let go of you. You could tell me the worst thing in the world, and I won't let go of you," he finished, looking her right in the eye.  
  
"Christ Jesus, are you trying to make me cry, or is that just a nice side effect," she whispered. She swiped at her eyes with her other hand, then sighed. "I guess I should tell you anyhow. So you understand why I won't take the job."  
  
Josh frowned, confused. "CJ, we've already hired you. I don't understand."  
  
"Not this job. Leo told me last week that I'd be taken care of, win or lose. I think he feels bad about dumping all this work on me," her voice was tight now, tight with fear and tears.  
  
Josh nodded, enlightened. It was, after all, how these things worked. Those who do good are rewarded, and Josh knew Leo adhered to that axiom religiously. CJ would definitely be taken care of, especially if they won the White House. Even if they lost, Leo's influence could possibly be good enough for her to write her own ticket afterwards. "CJ, why wouldn't we want to hire you? You're awesome. I don't believe no one's snatched you up before. You might well be one of the best-kept secrets in politics. All you've ever done is work for EMILY'S list, and you weren't exactly high profile there."  
  
"It's been tried. I wouldn't take ever take it," she sighed. "I couldn't cause a problem, you see."  
  
"What do you mean?" he asked. What she had told him about her miscarriage wouldn't cause a scandal, since it's unlikely anyone would find out about it, and even if they did, she hadn't had an abortion. She had an appointment at a clinic, but that wasn't enough evidence of anything that couldn't be easily spinned.  
  
She closed her eyes a second, then looked at him "Where am I from, Josh?" she asked softly.  
  
"California?" he asked, knowing it was the wrong answer.  
  
"Missouri. I grew up in Southern Missouri," she said, shaking her head. "You know how you guys teased me when we were in Georgia, saying I'd been hanging around with Mrs. Bartlet too long and picked up her accent? I didn't, that's my accent."  
  
Josh blinked. "Three States," he said, suddenly realizing how CJ had been able to rattle information about that area off the top of her head.  
  
She looked down at their entangled hands and nodded. "That gym. I ate lunch in that gym everyday for almost a year. That was the high school where I spent 9th grade, although that's not the town I lived in. I never thought I'd see it again. I'd hoped I'd never see it again."  
  
"Why?" he asked, softly.  
  
He could see her bite her lip. "Well, see, my mom kicked me out, so I left."  
  
"Where did you go?" he asked.  
  
"California. Barstow, actually. My dad lived there," she replied, softly.  
  
"Why did your mom kick you out?" Josh asked when it became apparent that she needed to be asked the questions.  
  
"She...she blamed me...for...well, it's kinda complicated," she trailed off uncertainly.  
  
"Ok, well, then why don't you begin at the beginning, sweet-tart," he said gently.  
  
"The beginning, right," she sighed. "My mom...well, she had something of a reputation, if you take my meaning. Dad had told her that he would divorce her unless she promised to keep off the pills and quit sleeping around on him. She broke both promises, so he kept his. They got divorced when I was about 3, I think. He left town, and she told us, my brother and I, that he never sent her any child support or anything. She would...well, she'd throw that in our faces when things got bad. At any rate, things were pretty bad for a couple of years, since she had trouble holding down a job. My oldest brother, Mark, was 12 years older than me, so he would work after school and we lived off of his paycheck more often than not. Mark was the one who would give Steven, my other brother, his lunch money, or buy me some crayons at the store. He put me to bed every night, I remember that." She was quiet for a moment, but then sighed. "My mom, somehow, got a job at a truck stop in the next town over. She met this...guy. His name was Art, and well, Art made life interesting, so to speak."  
  
She seemed reluctant to continue, but Josh was starting to make connections. "Interesting as in abuse?"  
  
"Yeah," she answered shortly. "I didn't know about it, at first. I was barely 5 when she met him, and he didn't move in with us until I was about 6. I think Mark tried to keep him away from us, but when I was 6, Mark wound up going off to Vietnam, so he wasn't around to protect us. I remember that night. He didn't tell me he was leaving, but when he tucked me in, he asked me if I remembered the three rules. They were practically the first things I learned. Rule 1 was keep your mouth shut and your eyes open, so you aren't Mom's next target. Rule 2 was listen to the priest and do what you're told, and Rule 3 was behave yourself so you don't bring more trouble than we already had. In retrospect, Mark's rules probably weren't a good idea, but at the time, it's all the protection we had from small town cruelty. We were different enough, we didn't need more trouble. I told him I remembered the rules, and he told me it was going to be very important that I followed them. I was sleepy, so I didn't ask why. He kissed me goodnight and when I woke up the next morning, he was gone. Art moved in not so long after that and I got a quick education in obeying the rules when I saw him give Steven a whipping. At that point, Steven was 14. My mom and Art fought constantly, and I heard him tell her more than once that she was getting uppity and needed some discipline." Josh swallowed hard as she told him that. "Anyway, I was good at following the rules. I didn't attract too much attention until the summer I turned 9. I don't remember what I said or what I did, but I do remember the emergency room, and the nurse who asked about 50 questions about how I broke my collarbone. I answered them all the same way: I fell. It was what my mother told me to say. Behave yourself, so you don't bring any more trouble, right?" She stopped talking.  
  
"CJ? Did he break your collarbone?" Josh asked softly. She nodded, but didn't say anything. He squeezed her hand, and was somewhat surprised when she squeezed back like she was holding on for dear life. Josh gently moved her so that he was leaning against the back of the bed and holding her in a light embrace. "Did anything happen to him?"  
  
"Yeah. The nurse didn't believe me, and she called children's services. I didn't go home, they took me to the foster care intake instead. They went and got Steven, too, but we didn't get placed together. That's when the weird stuff happened. There was a court hearing, obviously. I have no idea what happened, since they decided I was too young to testify or to even be in the room, and I can't find out because the records were sealed. All I know is that somehow the court thought Art was my father, so they didn't charge him with assault or anything. They changed my last name, or maybe my mom just told them we had his last name, but they left Steven and I in foster care until Mom either left Art or he "reformed", whatever that meant. That didn't happen. Steven turned 18 in foster care, got his emancipation and took off. I haven't seen him since I was 10, and that was only a very brief visit that they allowed my mom. She spent the whole visit yelling at me, that's all I remember. Somehow or another, Art left shortly after Steven took off. The system being what it was, they forgot about me for another 18 months or so. I didn't go back to my mom until I was 12, which was when Mark got home." She paused for a moment. "Living at home, as bad as it had been, was definitely preferable to foster care. There were two good things about those three years: I never went to bed hungry and for the first 2 years, I lived in a house that was down the street from the public library. Unfortunately, I was much younger than the rest of the kids living there- they were all teenagers, and most of them had emotional disorders. I was overlooked a lot, which was fine, but when they remembered I was there, well, let's just say my mom could have taken lessons in cruelty from some of them. My foster parents were so busy keeping up with them that I slipped through the cracks a lot. I spent a lot of time reading in the library or anywhere else I could hide."  
  
That didn't surprise Josh. Most of the people he knew in politics, especially on this campaign, seemed to have spent large portions of their childhood with their noses in books. He certainly had been no exception. "So, did you start with The Jungle Book and Huck Finn and move on to the harder stuff?" he asked, just to try and insert a little levity into things. The complete matter of fact, detached tone of voice she had was a little disconcerting, especially considering the subject matter.  
  
CJ actually laughed a little at that. "Harriet the Spy, actually. The first chapter book I read. I was 6, I think. But I did read both of those, along with just about every other book in the children's section by the time I was 10. By then, I moved on to "the harder stuff". I think I started with Steinbeck, because not all of them were very long."  
  
"Wait a minute. You read Steinbeck when you were 10?" he asked incredulously.  
  
She nodded. "Read Cannery Row and Tortilla Flats, then. I didn't understand all of it, but I read them. The librarian caught me and steered me towards Pride and Prejudice and Jane Eyre because she thought they were probably safer for a 10 year old to be reading. I read those, and then got into Virginia Woofe and by the time I was 12, I had moved on to Shakespeare, Hemingway, Emerson's Self Reliance, and Thoreau's Civil Disobedience."  
  
"Good God," Josh said, flabbergasted. "Did you understand them?"  
  
"Mmm, mostly. I got Thoreau much better when I was in college, but I think I picked up the basic idea then. Shakespeare was easy. You just had to pay attention and use your imagination. I liked Hemingway, but I didn't get all the subtext until I was much older," she replied, oblivious to the unusual nature of her reading material.  
  
"That's really impressive, CJ. I mean, honestly," Josh said. "I don't think anyone else around here was reading Steinbeck at 10."  
  
"They were short. Most of the adult books were just too heavy to read and the print was too small. But I got used to small print and I got to be a fairly fast reader," she explained. "Like I said, it was the only good part about foster care."  
  
Josh was quiet for a moment. "What happened when you went back home?"  
  
She sighed. "Well, when Mark got home and found out what had been going on, he convinced Social Services to let me come home. Which on one hand was good, but Mark...well, he wasn't very together anymore. He'd been in Vietnam, and then a bunch of other places doing stuff that he couldn't talk about. I don't know if he was not allowed to talk about it or if he just couldn't talk about it. He would flip out sometimes. You know, a lot of what they say about Vietnam veterans is true, at least it was for Mark. He just couldn't get his life back together. He, uh, he..." she trailed off a moment. "About 18 months after he came home, not too long before I turned 14, he committed suicide. I came home one afternoon and there were police everywhere. He, um, had been high on something, and they weren't sure if he just had a bad trip or if he was really suicidal, but it was bad." She was silent a moment, and Josh just hugged her closer. "Things really went downhill from there. My mom and I did _not_ get along. I don't think we ever did. She thought I had ruined her life, pretty much from the time I was born, but especially after the whole Social Services thing. I started high school, and hated it. I was ahead of everyone, because the school I had been going to was better than the ones at home. I had read everything they assigned, and I would just get so annoyed with the classes and the teachers that I started to get a reputation as a smart-mouth. I didn't mean anything by it, but I'd read most of the stuff before, and the other kids just didn't get most of it. The teachers didn't know what to do with me, other than not call on me, but I got straight As without any effort and it was obvious that I was bored out of my mind. Then, they'd try to talk to my mom about it, and they'd figure out that my mom had no interest in my schoolwork whatsoever. One or two of the teachers tried to work with me, but what with dealing with less than attentive adults my whole life and dealing with Mark, I just didn't trust anyone. I was also a very angry kid, but most people didn't realize that. Eventually, my mom and I just had the absolute worst fight. I don't even know exactly why we were fighting, it probably had something to do with something someone said, but it was summer and it was very hot. At one point, I just got sick of yelling and said I was leaving. I meant I was just going to walk up to town and see if there was anything new and interesting in the drug store, but she said if I walked out of the house, I'd best not come back. I tried to explain, which led to more and more fighting, until finally she told me she was going into town and that I better not be here when she got back. I asked her where exactly she wanted me to go, and she said she did not care, so long as I never showed my face around there again. I know it sounds like she was just frustrated, but she was dead serious. She walked out and I just sat there and thought for a while. My dad had come to Mark's funeral- God only knows how he found out about it- and although I hadn't talked to him, I did remember him giving the priest his address in California, just in case I wanted it later. So, with nothing better in mind, I decided to just go out to California. I figured I'd get there, find my dad, and let my mom cool off, and be back again in the fall for school. I was, however, smart enough to go find the money I knew Mark had stashed away in his closet, along with his Army knapsack. So, off I went to California. All I had when I got there, two weeks later, were two sundresses, some other clothes, a couple of books, some photographs and 5 dollars."  
  
"How old were you?" Josh asked.  
  
"15. It was August, 1981 when I arrived in my dad's apartment in Barstow. He had no idea I was coming, but he really didn't mind. It was rocky at first, but we eventually got along ok. I finished high school two years later and got accepted to UC Berkeley and well, that was that," she finished.  
  
Josh didn't know what to say. Finally, he asked, "Do you ever talk to your mom?"  
  
"I have not seen, talked to, or heard anything from my mother since I was 15. I write her, about 6 times a year, but she always returns the letters marked return to sender. She doesn't want anything to do with me, apparently." CJ shrugged a little. "My dad and I aren't super close, but I talk to him at least once a month, and I visited a couple times a year, mostly."  
  
Josh nodded. "Ok."  
  
"I didn't tell you all this so you'd see me differently, Josh. I don't...the only other person who's ever known the whole story, other than my dad, was Grace. She died about 3 years ago in a car accident. I just...I know that it just doesn't look good, you know? Bad family relationships don't play well with family values people. Tell who you think needs to know. If you think I should leave the campaign, I will. I won't let me be the cause of us losing, I've always believed that. That's why I didn't work national in 94, and it's why I never took a job I was offered after a campaign. I was always prepared to leave if people started poking around. My background information is incredibly sketchy- most of it is under Art's last name from the time I was 8 until I turned 16 and my dad somehow got my name changed again. I don't know what's in the sealed court records. I have no idea how it could be damaging. I don't know what happened in my parent's divorce proceedings, some of those records are sealed, too. I don't know anything about my mother, either. If people start prying, it could be a bad deal, and I won't be a party to that, I'll leave first." She was staring at her hands again, he could tell. He squeezed her again, gently, but didn't say anything. "Don't tell me what you think now," she said softly, sounding very vulnerable. "Think about it and let me know later, ok?"  
  
Josh didn't get a chance to reply, because Abbey came into the room just then to tell them that CJ was being released. None of them said much during the ride back to the hotel. CJ was incredibly sleepy, since she hadn't slept in several days. It was about 1 am by the time Josh and Abbey got her back up to her room and tucked into bed. Josh watched her drift off to sleep from the doorway of her bedroom before he turned out the lights and shut the door.  
  
"Thank you, Mrs. Bartlet," he said softly as he walked down to the lobby with her.  
  
"No problem, Josh. It's part of what I'm here for. I'll call Leo and tell him to go easy on CJ tomorrow. I'm sure she's going to be stubborn and go to work tomorrow," Abbey said, with a smile.  
  
"No doubt," Josh said, smiling tiredly.  
  
"Did you two have a talk?" Abbey asked.  
  
"Yeah, but I really can't," he trailed off as she interrupted him,  
  
"That's fine, I understand. I just thought she seemed like she had a story that needed to be told."  
  
Josh nodded. "Oh, yes."  
  
"Well, I'm glad she told you then. You get some sleep yourself, Josh." Abbey reached out and squeezed his arm.  
  
"Yes, ma'am." he said, nodding. "Good night."  
  
"Good night to you too, Josh. And call me Abbey, for crying out loud," she grinned at him and left him to stand in the lobby for a long moment before going to his own room.

* * *

let's just leave this place  
  
and go to summerland  
  
just a name on the map  
  
sounds like heaven to me forget about all the memories  
  
that keep you down  
  
forget about them  
  
we could lose them in the  
  
sparkle and fade  
  
we could leave them behind  
  
in the sparkle and fade

"Summerland", Everclear.

* * *

Josh heard giggling down in the kitchen of the campaign headquarters. Investigating, he found CJ patiently showing Annie how to dye hardboiled eggs more than one color. Zoey was also working on an egg, and offering her niece additional advice.  
  
"Well, this looks like fun," Josh said with a smile.  
  
"Hey, Josh, You want to do one?" Zoey asked.  
  
"No thanks, shorty, but I'll sit and watch a moment," he came around the counter to sit next to Zoey. CJ managed a small embarrassed smile. He hadn't seen her since he'd put her to bed the night before. He smiled back and looked idly at the finished eggs. CJ and Annie went to find some paper towels and put the used spoons in the sink as Josh leaned over and asked Zoey, "Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Easter long over?"  
  
"Well, yeah, but Annie was bored. I'm supposed to be watching her, and Mom was making eggs for the potato salad. I found an extra dye kit while looking for a pot for her, so Mom said we could dye some extra eggs if we could find an adult to help me with Annie. Leo over heard us, and told me to tell CJ that Mom said she should help us. He said she could use a break, which is cool, because she knows how to make tie-dye eggs." Zoey indicated the finished eggs.  
  
"Ok, girls, lets get this cleaned up," CJ said as she helped Annie take her last egg out of the purple dye. Josh helped them, which wasn't a difficult task because CJ had the foresight to put newspapers down before they got started. Zoey took Annie upstairs to show off their eggs as CJ put the now clean spoons away in their drawer.  
  
Josh watched her quietly, then said, "Let's talk a walk."  
  
She just nodded and let him lead her out of the building towards the park. They found a fairly secluded spot by a large rock. Josh sat down and patted the ground next to him. CJ sat down, and rested her hands on her updrawn knees.  
  
"You look a much better today," he said.  
  
"Yeah," she said, sounding slightly apprehensive. He understood why and gently touched her shoulder.  
  
"I'm not going to tell anyone." She looked at him in surprise. "No one needs to know," he continued.  
  
"But, Josh, it could look extremely bad," she protested.  
  
"How?" he asked. "Even if someone decided to do deep background on you, there's no reason to go beyond college, for you, or any other staff member. The name on your driver's license is the name on your college diplomas, right?" She nodded. "The name on your college diplomas is the name on your high school diploma, right?" She nodded again. "And from what you've told me, the name on your high school diploma is the same as the name on your birth certificate and social security card, yes?" She agreed. "Ok then. Unless someone looked at your medical or school records, there's no way for them to tell that you spent a large part of your life with a different last name. And besides, notwithstanding the fact that those records would be difficult to get, why would anyone care? You've never lied about any of it. You've just never come out and told anyone. Which, even in politics, the world of full disclosure, is _not_ demanded of you. You have _never _lied about it, correct?"  
  
"No. No one's ever asked," she said softly.  
  
"And no one is asking now. If there are questions later, we'll deal with them later. At any rate," he added, "even if someone did ask questions, it would be impossible to make it into some sort of scandal. You're a _survivor_ , CJ." He stood up and helped her to her feet, putting his hands on her shoulders. "You survived. What happened then only has bearing on who and what you are now in the fact that you rose above the lousy hand life dealt you and created a new one. Nothing that happened to you in Missouri was your fault. _Nothing_ . And if no one ever told you that, then they're crueler than I'd believe. And if you have been told, well, it's time to believe it, Claudia Jean." He paused and tilted her chin so she would have to look him in the eye. "You are a tremendously lovely and special, woman who did not deserve her childhood. You are an incredible person who is stronger than I will ever be. You are an important person who is now surrounded by people who care about her, and who is looking at one person who loves her, at the very least. Do you hear me?" he whispered. She nodded. "Good," he said, releasing her chin and pulling her into an embrace. They were just enough the same height that she could rest her head on his shoulder. "God, you in formal dress must be hell on the guys," he said softly.  
  
"Why?" she whispered.  
  
"Well, damn, CJ, you in heels? Good God, you'd be an Amazon!" He smiled as she laughed softly. "Listen to me," he said. "I know you're feeling very far from home, now. Hell, I'm not sure you know where home is, right now, am I right?" he felt her nod against his shoulder. "Ok then. You know what you need?" he asked.  
  
"What?" she said, picking her head up to look at him.  
  
"Family. You've got friends, probably more than you think, but you don't have family. From what you said and from what Toby said, all you've got is your dad, and I bet you haven't talked to him in weeks." he said.  
  
"Longer," she admitted.  
  
He nodded. "And all I've got anymore is my mom, who I talked to last night, but it still feels like she's in Antarctica for all I get to see her. So, then, we're both rather bereft of kin at the moment, don't you think?"  
  
She tilted her head. "Are you saying that you should like for me to be your sister?" she asked.  
  
"Well, only if I get to be your brother," he replied. "I mean, we've got friends. We have enough people who care about us running around here. But even so, family is something else, and it's something that I don't think you've had in a long time. Besides, I've always thought you were home whenever you were with family."  
  
She nodded slowly in response. "All right. Let's do this. If I'm going to be your family, you have to promise me something." He moved back to stand with his hands on her shoulders again. "You have to promise that if you get scared, or angry, or upset enough to run away, you have to come and tell me first, before you go. And then we'll talk, and if we can find a solution to whatever is making you angry, upset and scared, then you'll stay. If we try, and we can't, and you've had time to cool off, and you still want to go, then I'll let you go. Do you think you can promise me that?" He knew he was asking a lot of her, and he watched the fear cross her face. "You've run too, too long. You're 32, CJ, it's time to stop," he said softly. She nodded hesitantly. "Say it," he commanded gently.  
  
"I promise," she said slowly, "not to run without talking to you first. And if we can fix it, I'll stay. But if we can't, I can still go."  
  
"Good job," he said gently, smiling a little at her. "Now I'm going to promise _you _something." She looked at him, surprised. "I will not abandon you. If you run, I will not let you run alone. I may not actually follow you, but you won't ever be alone. I know you don't believe me right now, but I promise you this, as a brother," he said, looking her straight in the eyes. "I won't ever let you be alone." She didn't answer, but he saw the hope in her eyes and the little spark of CJ that had been missing for weeks. Smiling, he hugged her quickly and tightly, then held her out at arms length. "Now, then, we have got to do something about you, skinny girl. I mean, look at you, you're skin and bones! Time to put some meat on that frame, ok? What would you like to eat? Anything, I mean it. We'll either find it somewhere, or we'll go make it," he told her.  
  
She thought for a moment, turning her face up to the sun that shone through the trees. "I think we should have some summer food," she said, starting to smile.  
  
"Yes! Yes, that's what we'll have," he exclaimed, grinning. "Barbecue beef!"  
  
"Corn on the cob." CJ's smile started to grow.  
  
"Watermelon," he said, eyes widening with anticipation.  
  
"Strawberries," she said, smiling altogether now.  
  
"Ooohhh, with vanilla ice cream and pound cake!" he said, grinning and rolling his eyes with relish.  
  
She nodded enthusiastically. "Light fluffy biscuits."  
  
"Potato salad! Come on," he said, grabbing her wrist and turning towards the path. "I know where we can find some of that! Race ya," he called over his shoulder as he ran down the path towards town.  
  
People stopped to watch the lanky red-haired woman overtake the slightly shorter brown haired man as they ran down the street. Both were laughing as they raced like children just out of school towards their invincible summer.


End file.
